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(Without Changing Your Lives or Paying for Therapy)

We live in one another’s shelter” – an old Irish saying

Change and Fear

It’s spooky out there. The world isn’t safe, my country isn’t safe, my home isn’t safe. After living in some kind of denial for a long time, I have finally accepted that bad things don’t just happen to other people in other countries. Bad things can happen to me, to my family, to my home. Bad things can happen to my neighbors, to my friends, to my close and distant cousins, and bad things can happen to you. That’s right, the world is full off dangers that you and I can’t control. I can’t protect my children from the big events that happen outside our front door or from the global politics and the economic trends that seem to keep swinging at us.

You may have known this for years. Maybe you’ve prepared your family to get ready for the worst. Perhaps you are living in a commune in the woods, raising your home schooled children on organic veggies, always prepared for a breakdown in the order of things. Or, you may have saved enough money so that you can make a run for it if the going gets really tough – and maybe you have even figured out where you can run to. Or, you may have been diligent about paying off that mortgage, saving for rainy days, and planning ahead so that your family will not be financially or emotionally devastated by unexpected events. Or, maybe you are like me – only recently waking up to this fact and totally unprepared for anything. Wiser Ancestors

My great-grandmother understood the way of life better than I did. She knew that she could not protect her children. Her world was not the huge, impersonal, global sprawl of today. Her world was personal, small, and basically confined to the farm on which she raised eighteen children (without such necessities as two ply toilet tissue, running water, good ethnic restaurants, and, worst of all, no cheap Tuesday movies). Her boundaries stretched only as far as the small community in which she bought what the farm could not provide for the children. Still, her world contained daily worries and fears. My great-grandmother worried that winter ear infections would leave her children deaf. She worried that her sons would get caught in the wheels of the tractors during haying season and lose an arm, or a leg - or a life. She worried that the big copper pot that was always bubbling on the wood stove would scald the hands of one of the ever present toddlers that she kept in sight while cooking all day for the farmhands, as well as the children. She worried that her daughters would marry men who were like my great grandfather – full of talk and promises, but empty when it came to initiative or work. And, she worried that she would lose her health, leaving her family to collapse without the guidance and stability she provided.     

How I Was Fooled

I did not have the same things to worry about as my great-grandmother. I have grown up in an era when there is a medicine for everything. Earaches are cured quickly and easily with a simple prescription from the doctor at the local clinic. I do not worry about what my younger children are up to when out of my sight, because, unlike my great-aunts and uncles who were expected to be completely self-reliant by mid-childhood, my children rarely go anywhere without qualified adult supervision prior to reaching their teen age years. I am pretty sure my teens are safe from industrial accidents because, so far, none of my teens have felt called upon to associate themselves with the hard work that is associated with large machinery – or even an electric lawn mower. Even if they actually wanted to do hard, physical work, I would not dream of letting my sons operate heavy equipment, I don’t even let them ride their foot pedaled scooters around the driveway without their helmets securely on their heads and their pads wrapped tightly around their expensive, brand name jeans. And, unlike my great grandmother’s girls, my daughters are growing up to be well educated and self-supporting, aware that they can make their own choices in life. I am not naïve, I know that my daughters may make a few mistakes along the way, but I also know that society is more tolerant of mistakes today, and there are many services to help them rectify problems they create. My friends and I, unlike my great-grandmother, hope to marry for life, but believe we can leave if it doesn’t work out. We are able to seek counseling for marriages that are faltering, and we can support ourselves and our children financially if we have to (okay, so we can’t do it quite so well without a partner, but we can do it).

For a long time, I believed that as long as I fed my children enough fruit and vegetables, read with them every night, and provided loving guidance and effective discipline, then my children, my family, would be safe.

Why I Wrote This Newsletter

What I believed was wrong. Events of recent years have forced me to accept that I need to be as worried as my great-grandmother. I was silly to think that I had more control over the safety of my children than she had over hers. Political terrorists, scientists who manipulate the basic structure of life, new diseases that seem to crop up out of nowhere, meteors flying in from out space, are all beyond my control. I put automatic parental controls on the television to keep out the pornography, but the nightly situation comedies challenge my moral values to the hilt and present a world of changing partners and casual sex that belies everything I want my children to believe (I know, I should get rid of the television if I am that unhappy with it, but I am not yet ready to sacrifice my weekly hit of Law and Order, even for my children). It seems that between my unwillingness to change my lifestyle, and the growing threats in the world, I can’t keep much of anything from breaking through my door and harming us.

When I realized that I am as powerless as my great-grandmother at protecting my family, I looked around at how others try to protect theirs. I thought of moving to an isolated spot, preferably in a sunny climate and with long, pebble free beaches. But, those places are called resorts! There are plenty of mountains near where I live. I could take my family and build a log house without a computer, without a television, without a telephone. But, those kinds of places also have no movie theaters, no washers and dryers, and no Starbucks. These are staples in my life and I will not willingly give them up (although I greatly admire people who have done so – I nominate them all for hero status).

So, the questions became – if I’m not willing to make major lifestyle changes, and, if I can’t protect my family from the dangers outside of our home, then how can I make us strong enough to adapt to, and deal with, the challenges that may come our way? How can I raise my children to be strong for each other in adulthood, and to have the skills to create their own strong families?

Where To Look?

First, I looked to my great-grandmother for ideas on how to make my family strong in the presence of dangers. She did not have my choices, she did not have my networks of support. Yet, she took what little she had and forged a family that knew how to love, as well as how to argue. I saw this woman as my best role model because I had spent my early childhood surrounded by the proof of her success at creating a strong family.

My great-aunts and great-uncles, and their children and grandchildren, all got together regularly, right until their deaths. I saw that they were kind, loving people who turned first to each other when they had sorrow or fears. They knew that family was what mattered in the tough times. Through their relationships with each other, they found the strength to deal with the outside world. I also saw that they were not perfect, that they lived a wide variety of lifestyles, and they did not all create families that neatly fit today’s idea of “functional”. My great-grandparents, although married for sixty-six years, did not like each other, and even my grandmother (the oldest of their eighteen offspring) could only vaguely recall seeing her parents speak with each other. I recall that my great aunts and great uncles were sometimes crabby, sometimes demanding, sometimes intolerant, sometimes judgmental. A couple of the uncles had reputations of being “hard drinkers” well into their later years, and one of the great aunts had “emotional problems” (and this wasn’t even one the aunts who were married to the drinking uncles), and as my generation was growing up, many of my cousins, and myself, struggled with the challenges and temptations that life presents the young.

Yet, for the children of my great grandmother, their faith in the strength of family never wavered. When their friends deserted, when their businesses failed, when their sons went off to war, when their daughters were unexpectedly pregnant, even into their final years of life, it was their family that mattered to them as they sought the shelter that their sibling and parental bonds provided. The families that descended from my great-grandmother have never been asked to be on posters ads for “functional families”. But, they also didn’t fall apart when times got tough. The children have not been left to fend for themselves or become wards of the state, and today we continue the tradition of turning to each other when shelter is needed.

And Today’s Questions Are…

I was given the gift of growing up in a strong family by my great-grandmother. She was my role model and she set our standards. But, simply following her style was not going to be enough to make my family strong in today’s world. She lived a long time ago, and the world has changed. I wanted to know –

• How do I keep my family strong in today’s world?
• What can I do to teach my children to rely on each other without being overly dependent?
• How can I help them be the kind of brothers and sisters who can give lifelong shelter to one another as well as provide it?
• How can I help them to create strong families for themselves so that they can raise their own children with some degree of confidence that when all else fails, they still have each other?

Seeking Answers

In order to find out how to make a family strong in today’s world, I decided to start asking people. I asked the audiences at my behavior management presentations and older child adoption workshops to think about whether they considered themselves to be part of a “strong family”, and for those who did, I asked permission to interview them. I asked friends, family, and acquaintances to spread the word, and I began interviewing people by phone, by email, and in person.

I did not attempt to define “strong family”. I let the people who came forward do that. After all, what constitutes a strong family relationship to one person might be different to another. For example, some families might perceive themselves to be “strong” because they can let go of family members and allow each to pursue wildly different life paths; others might feel they are “strong” because of the way they hang on to each other and find comfort in their similar values and shared lifestyles. Some might feel they are strong because their parents stayed together, others might understand family strength as knowing when and how to break apart. As well, I did not ask that any of these families fit a particular definition of “family” or “functional”. Some had been divorced more than once, others had fought addiction problems, some were struggling financially, some were fearing their marriages might be on the last mile. I interviewed two parent heterosexual families, single parent families, lesbian and gay families, foster families, adoptive families, biological families, soon-to-be families, long established families. I interviewed families in which religion was a basic foundation of daily life, and families in which religion played no part all.

After I completed enough interviews to begin finding “themes”, I began sifting through them to organize and priorize what people had told me. The themes, and their importance to the people who participated, were not difficult to find and you will read about them in the rest of this book. The thread that tied them together, however, was the belief that in times of trial, they could turn to each other.

How to Use This Newsletter

This monthly newsletter is written so that you can print it out and then pick it up and read parts of it in the few minutes you have between putting the laundry in the wash and packing your briefcase. Find a section that interests you, read it, and let it settle into your mind, finding its own route to meaning and usefulness in your life. You can also share parts of it with family members who have not yet come on board with your plan to strengthen your family. Each section is short so that when you hand the book over (“Honey, I just need you to read the middle section of the second page”) they can easily manage to do so during a commercial; or, between putting the roast in the oven and the carrots in the pot. Teens can easily manage a section while downloading tunes for their ipod.

You may find that not all of the chapters, or suggestions, are going to work in your family. Some will fit with your family’s value system and life style, others might not. So, browse through the monthly newsletters and decide what might be useful to you and your family members, and what might not. Use the information and suggestions that fit with your values and that you can incorporate into your family’s lifestyle. You will find it is enough to create additional strength in your family relationships.

Who This Newsletter Is Written For

This newsletter is written for anyone who wants to create a family life that does not require the members of the family to be superstars. It is written for ordinary people with ordinary lives and ordinary problems. This newsletter won’t change your life, it should only help you to strengthen your family relationships. This newsletter is not about learning how to become rigid, or to resist change, or to deny pain or trauma that is happening. It isn’t about how circle the wagons to keep dysfunction in. It is about how to become a family that is stronger together than apart. It is about how to raise children who can be relied upon by their siblings in time or trial. It is about how be parents who can be good role models for loving, supportive relationships.

You probably already have the family, or you wouldn’t interested in the topic, and that’s the only necessity. My great-grandmother did not have the benefit of therapy or modern concepts of family life or any outside supports to make her family strong. None of her children or their children grew up to be famous (or infamous). And, as I said, her family did not fit anyone’s definition of functional. Some drank too much, some suffered from depression, some had terrible marriages, some had failed businesses, and, I am pretty certain that few of them ever searched for identity or personal meaning. It wasn’t in style then, and generally, they were too busy raising their children and earning a living to spend much time on individual pursuits. But, they knew how to love and care for each other. If that is what you want to teach your children, then this newsletter is written for you.

Take care, good luck, and I'll see you next month.

Chapter 1

Listen To Me! (please) Hear Me, Hear Me, Hear Me…

Not surprisingly, communication was mentioned as a major factor in family strength by almost all of the families I interviewed. That makes sense when you consider that ‘communication’ is a word that you hear daily on the media, in your children’s school curriculum, at your therapist’s office, and from the team builders and trainers that your boss brings in to help motivate you and your colleagues at work (wouldn’t a pay raise serve that purpose more effectively?).

Communication is a huge industry in the Western world and interpersonal communication is espoused as a strong social value on talk shows, in therapy books, and even in the curricula of many educational systems. There are university courses, community workshops, and entire companies that are dedicated to helping us talk with each other more effectively. The technology industries compete to create a constantly changing array of gadgets so that everyone can get hold of us twenty-four hours a day. So, what does communication mean in a strong family? What role does it play in helping family members feel they can turn to each other?

Does communication always have to be warm and cuddly? Or can an expression of anger also be a positive form of communication? Is communication limited to how well we express ourselves to others? How well we are able to understand others? How Communication Strengthens Families This is pretty straightforward. If you can’t talk to each other, you certainly can’t know each other. And, if you can’t know each other, then you cant trust each other enough to hang together in the tough times. Instead, you will likely find that you turn to people outside your family. And, while sometimes that is necessary, it isn’t going to help keep you together.

We live in a society today where people turn to therapists or friends when we have problems. And, while there is no denying that sometimes we need outside help and support, there is no reason why we shouldn’t also seek the advice and comfort that might be offered by our spouses, our parents, and our siblings. When it is problems that impact the entire family, we should also be talking with our children about how they are feeling and we should be finding out what they are needing from us.

To do any of this, we first have to learn how to communicate in a way that doesn’t scare the family off, and that gets our message across clearly and directly. We are far more likely to get what we need from our family, and to give the others what they need, when we can all understand each other.

Janice’s Story

Janice’s story is an example of one aspect of communication. Janice, age 34, is the married mother of two pre-school children and she believes that listening is a meaningful part of communication in her strong family. Janice is a stay-at-home mom who says she has no intention of going back to the workforce when her children enter school.

Janice reports that her first memories of the importance of listening are from when she was twelve years old and her best friends dumped her. Janice recalls being devastated. She had played with these girls all through grade school, but in the first year of junior high, they began to ignore her and very soon pushed her right out of their group. At first, Janice did not speak of this with anyone. Her mom, noticing Janice’s depressed state and angry moods at home, gently probed and prodded until one night, Janice started to cry while drying the dinner dishes. While her mom stood quietly at her side, Janice poured out her heart, along with the dish soap.

I don’t recall that my mom had anything special to say. She didn’t have any particularly helpful advice. But she listened to me and she didn’t blame me for what had happened. She didn’t ask what I had done to deserve their treatment, she just kept asking how I felt, and she kept asking me to tell her more.” Janice realized that evening that she could actually turn to her mother for more than an allowance increase or for help in getting her brothers out of her bedroom.

I never did get back with those friends and by the end of the first term I had some new friends. The important thing was, my mom listened, and after that, I always went to her with my problems. I still do. I think knowing that I could talk to her kept me from making bad choices when I was in my teens.”

Janice still talks with her mother regularly about little things, like whether she should have her hair lightened, and big things, like the time she had a breast cancer scare. Janice has tried to establish this same habit of listening to her own children. “I want to create a pattern of listening now so that when they hit the teen years, they won’t be so hesitant to come to me or their father and tell us what is happening in their lives. I want them to know that I will hear what they have to say.”

Historically Speaking…

One of the great historical statesmen is Nelson Mandela. He is famous for many accomplishments as the leader of South Africa, and as a role model for dignity, peaceful endeavors, and tolerance. But, did you know that during the twenty seven years he spent as a political prisoner, the chief attribute that made him important to his fellow prisoners was his ability to listen to them? That’s right. It was not his political beliefs, or his passionate speaking that other sought from him. It was his ability to listen to those who had lost hope. These prisoners were often jailed for life. They may have committed terrible crimes, or they may have done little more than be standing on the wrong street corner at the wrong time. Yet, they had no chance of ever gaining their freedom.

The prisons of South Africa at that time were not pleasant, either. They were often bleak, abusive places where prisoners were denied both rights and comfort. They were lost, forgotten, and alone. In the prison where he was incarcerated, the tours are given by inmates who were with Mandela. While taking visitors through the jail, they constantly refer to Mandela as the “great listener” and they say that he rarely spoke, so intent was he on listening. After the other prisoner had poured out his heart, Mandela would often respond with a spiritual solution. But it was not simply the spiritual answer that renewed the prisoners’ will to live, it was that someone had cared enough to really, genuinely, listen to them.

If Nelson Mandela could manage to listen effectively to others under such dire circumstances, think how well you could learn to listen when all you have to deal with is your normally busy household.

Family Listening Skills

Family listening skills are not as easy to develop as most of us would like. Your family may have years of ineffective listening skills and bad listening habits to overcome. You may also have a level of busy-ness and activity in your home that makes it difficult to take the time to stop and still yourself in order to listen effectively. You may also find that while your family is very happy to support you in developing your listening skills, they are less enthusiastic about developing their own. For some people, learning a new way to listen can seem like a threat because it means they may have to deal with issues they had otherwise been able to avoid.

Most families, however, are pretty happy to jump on board with this once they begin to see the benefits. Even the most reticent family member will begin to acknowledge how much nice the whole atmosphere of the family feels once people are feel like they are being heard.

If you would like to improve how you listen to your family members, these tips might be helpful

• Learn the signs that someone needs to talk. Is this the second time that your child, or your husband, or your sister, has mentioned a topic? Repeated attempts to have a conversation on the same topic can mean that it has more importance than you thought. Does your teen keep coming to you when the rest of the family is in another room? It could mean that he is trying to get your attention without anyone else noticing. Has your brother called you twice this month, when normally it is you who has to take the initiative in the relationship? He could be needing to talk with you but can’t create an opening or find a way to broach a difficult subject.

• Make your body quiet and still. When your wife or father is trying to talk with you, stop moving around. Put down the dishcloth, or the television remote. Turn away from the computer, turn off the radio. Sit down, or lean against a counter, or push back in your chair. Do whatever is necessary to get your body quiet and ready to listen.

• Look in his eyes. Eye contact is the foundation of all forms of effective communication, especially listening. This indicates to the talker that you are aware of him, focused on him, and trying to connect. You don’t have to stare. It is okay to blink, and to look away a bit, but overall, this should be eye to eye.

• Don’t interrupt. You have something important to say, too, or you may have been through the same problem and you are dying to tell what you know about it. But hold back for later. This lets your talker know that you care about she has to say and that her needs are important to you.

• Focus on her words, not on what on you are going to say next. Listen to her voice, not the your own voice in your head. If you are thinking of what to say in response, then you are not fully listening to her and she will see that in your eyes and your body language.

• Don’t finish her sentences. Let the talker talk. If you jump in to finish her sentence, she may stop talking. And, if she thinks you have heard this all before, she may feel unimportant to you.

• Don’t let others interrupt. If other family members come in to the room, ask them to come back later. Or, if your four year old will not go away, give him a quick glass of juice and a hug, and send him off to play with mommy.

• Don’t adopt an attitude because you assume you know what will be said. Enter the discussion with an open mind. Really commit to listening to your talker. If you assume you already know what she is going to say, then that is exactly what she will say. Your assumptions will limit her script and close opportunities for her to expand or re-consider her thoughts.

• Set a time for later and stick with it. Sometimes you cannot avoid interruptions. If the police show up at the door with your nose pierced teen in handcuffs, you may like to ask them to come back later, but you can’t. If your younger children are in a headlock, and your mother just called to say her cat is missing, you have to deal with those issues. Tell your talker that you are sorry to have to stop now, but you will resume this conversation when everyone else has gone to bed. And then, make sure you stick to this plan.

• Keep calm. Sometimes your talker will say things that are shocking, or sad, or embarrassing, or scary. You can react later, in the meantime, let your husband or child continue saying what has to be said. Of course, if your spouse informs you that s/he is having an affair with someone who is twenty years your junior and weighs thirty pounds less than you, then go ahead and erupt (oops, I meant interrupt)!

• Ask for clarification. If you don’t understand some of what is being said, then ask your talker to explain more fully or to give examples. Ask easily and politely, don’t make the talker feel that he is at fault for not being clear. You can say “I’m not sure what you mean by that, can you say more about it?” or, “I am not sure what you need from me, can you clarify that?”.

• Paraphrase. When there is a lull, use your own words to repeat what the talker has just said. For example, “You’re saying that your friends dumped you for no reason.” Or, “It sounds to me like you are really upset.”

• Ask questions. During another lull, ask a question to show that you are interested and want the talker to continue. For example, “Did you say anything else to him?” Or, “Who else was present?” Or, “What do you need from me right now?”

• If necessary, pretend to be interested. Okay, so we all know that sometimes our spouse, unlike ourselves, occasionally runs a little on the boring side. And, our parents, our siblings, and our even our kids, may want to tell us the same story we have been hearing for years. When that happens, feign interest. Why? Because you love these people. And because others do it for you. Listening is a way of showing people that you care and they are important in your life.

Learning To Listen….

Listening skills can be difficult to learn at first, but since your family members are talking to you almost continuously, you will have lots of practice. You may find that once you have the knack of this, you can begin to teach this to your children and your spouse as well. Likely, you will find your children more receptive than your spouse – but give it time, and the whole family will begin to use effective listening techniques. An effective way to approach other family members with new skills is to say “I know you are listening to me, but it would be more helpful to me if you would put down the remote while I talk.” This can be said politely, in a friendly and non-challenging tone. Or, you can say, “Thank you for listening to me. It was really helpful that you didn’t interrupt me.”

Subtle shifts in your listening behaviors can work like a domino effect. You manage this better, then your spouse, then your children manage it better. You may find that the tone and noise level of the household begins to quiet a bit as everyone realizes that they do not have to shout to be heard, and that they can easily get attention when they need or want it. After you have mastered your listening skills, you can begin to reinforce the behavior in little children with stickers each time they display a positive listening skill. You can reward teens for being effective listeners simply by thanking them and commenting on how they are developing adult skills. How you reward your spouse is up to you.

Learning how to listen can enhance the communication in your family and help everyone learn to turn to each other first, rather than always Your children can learn very early in life that they are important to you simply by watching you focus on them when they are talking. If they learn this early enough, they will not have to unlearn bad listening habits. If they have to learn it later in childhood, or in their teens, they can still benefit and will silently appreciate the effort you are putting into hearing them. As well, they can take these skills into the families they create and you can watch your grandchildren benefit from what you have learned.

Robert’s Story

Has the listening part of communication been important to you? Have you considered how you have used, or not used this skill in your life? Robert, age 53, is a middle management civil servant. He told me that he had never realized he was a bad listener until he took a work related course in conflict resolution and the first part of the day focused completely on what he heard. Robert says it was a big shock to him to realize that he didn’t listen to anyone, and in some ways, it frightened him.

I don’t know what I have been missing all of my life,” says Robert. “I know this has to have had a negative impact on my ability to do my job, as well as my ability to be a good husband and father.”

I asked Robert if he had incorporated this insight into his family communications style.

“You bet I have. I was so excited by this I asked my wife to sign up for the same course. You wouldn’t believe how it changed things at home. Suddenly, we have teenagers who will actually sit down and talk to us because they see us as parents who will listen.”

I commented to Robert that communicating effectively with teens seemed like a whole other topic. Maybe even a miracle (does this reveal too much about what is going on in my home?).

Don’t get the wrong impression. We still argue and haggle and nag with our kids. But much less than we used to. They have even commented that their mom and I are more interested in them than we used to be. That isn’t the case, we were always interested. But we didn’t have skills to listen to what they were saying before. Now we do, and they payoffs have been substantial.”

Exercise

Think back to how listening occurred in the family in which you were raised and ask yourself these questions:

1. Did I feel heard? By parents, teachers, friends?

2. Did I listen to others as I was growing up?

3. If you weren’t heard – What did not being heard do to you?

4. How did you try to make others listen to you?

5. How did you try to make others know you needed them to hear you?

6. Were you successful in your attempts?

7. How did you feel when you were not successful?

8. How did you feel when you were successful?

9. Did feeling not heard distance you from your family?

10. Did feeling heard bond you closer to your family?

Now, think about your current family, or current important relationships and consider the following:

1. Have you used listening skills in your family?

2. Do you role model listening skills?

3. Do you have any listening skills?

4. Does anyone in your present family or close relationships have listening skills?

5. How do the important people in your life respond when they don’t feel heard by you?

6. How do you respond to the important people in life when you don’t feel listened to by them?

7. How does not using listening skills weaken your family?

8. How would listening skills impact strengthen your family in the face of outside negative influences?

Your Turn

Take time to consider these questions and reflect on how you can use listening skills to strengthen your family today. Think about how your family lives; how you would like to relate to each other; what you can do differently; what you can add to your life, to make your family stronger. Take some time to write these down.

I can strengthen my family by: 1._____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 3.___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4._______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Without Changing Your Lives or Paying for Therapy)

Chapter Two

Listening to others is important, but we all need to have a time when we can have our say. A strong theme identified by many of the people I interviewed was that their family relationships had strengthened when they developed effective means to talk with each other. That is, something happened in their family that resulted in the parents, or maybe everyone, learning how to say what they had to say in a way that others were willing and able to listen. Learning how to be a good listener strengthens the family because each family member realizes that they are important enough for you to listen effectively. However, you want a turn at talking as well, don’t you? And so does everyone in the family. A bunch of good listeners will not last long if the talkers don’t learn how to do their part.

There are many avenues available for learning how to effectively communicate needs, ideas, wishes, and dreams, as well as anger, hostility, and fear. But sophisticated communication patterns just don’t have time to flourish in daily family communication. Most topics of conversation happen when everyone is leaving the house for the morning - “Mom, did I tell you that the principal wants to see you this morning before I can be allowed back in class?” or “Honey, I told you that I’m going to a conference in San Francisco this weekend, didn’t I?” Conversations also occur when everyone gets home from school and work, when the energy is down, the tempers are short, the hunger is up, the time is late, and the hamburger won’t thaw.

Trying to find the right way to say what you have to say, and be heard by people whose listening skills are not at a professional level, can leave you feeling unimportant, and make you feel as if you have no alternative but to turn to friends, colleagues, therapists, to everyone but your own family. when people learn to talk to each other.

Sheridan’s story is a good example of how learning to talk to each other can change and strengthen family relationships.

Sheridan’s Story

Sheridan, age 56, is divorced from his wife and is the father of three. His daughter is married and expecting her first baby, and his twin sons have completed high school and are traveling around Asia before attending university. The family members keep in touch with each other by email and phone, and Sheridan is trying to arrange how to meet his sons in Bangkok for their birthdays and still be home in time for the birth of the first grandchild. Sheridan told me that he has his best times with his children. But, it wasn’t always that way.

When the boys were twelve and his daughter was in her early teens, Sheridan and his wife realized that their marriage was faltering badly and that their kids were all getting involved with less than appealing peers. Sheridan admits that he had developed a roving eye for other women, although he had not yet broken his marital vows. They were muddling along, until his daughter was caught smoking pot. At that point, his wife insisted they all attend family counseling.

“It was the fourth week in counseling when it dawned on me that no one in my family knew me. To them, I was just the guy who drove them to sports events and handed out the allowances. To my wife, I was the lump on the other side of the bed. I wasn’t a real person to anyone. In the fifth week, I realized that I didn’t know them either. I didn’t know what my boys wanted out of life, I didn’t know who my daughter was dating, and I didn’t know if my wife loved me. My wife and I hadn’t really talked in years, and she had no idea the stress I was under at work, or that I was just as worried about our family and our marriage as she was.”

The therapist quickly moved into couples counseling and Sheridan says that he and his wife were both in for some surprises about each other.

“I had come from a family where it was all work and no play. My parents were poorly educated and wanted better for their kids, so they worked long, hard hours at menial jobs to make sure we all went to university. We learned the value of hard work from that, but we didn’t learn how to live as a family. No one had ever listened to me while I was growing up and I took it for granted that no one ever would. It never occurred to me that my silence made my wife feel that I didn’t love her. Or, that she was pouring out her heart to strangers at a support group because she couldn’t talk to me.”

That information was enough to make Sheridan eager to participate in changing how the family talked to each other. They put their new skills to work, and Sheridan says that within six months he felt like he had a new family, and that he was acting like a new father.

“I learned how to get people’s attention without yelling or using the silent treatment. I learned that I had a responsibility to let people know what I was feeling, what I needed, and what I had to offer. And, I learned how to say it all without being demanding or sarcastic.”

Did this save Sheridan’s marriage? Nope, they broke up when his wife realized that she wanted other things in life (like the woman carpenter who built their sundeck). But, Sheridan says that because they had learned to talk to each other, they were able to talk their way through the end of the marriage and create a shared custody arrangement so that their marital separation did not result in total upheaval of their children’s lives. And now that they have grown up, the children talk to each other, and to their parents, constantly. Sheridan reports that despite the marital break up, the relationships between family members remained strong and they turn to each other for help and for celebration before seeking others.

Historically Speaking

Winston Churchill is an example of an effective talker. He was credited with inspiring the British to maintain their war effort against the Nazis in the Second World War. On the surface, it doesn’t sound like anyone would need inspiration to oppose Nazis. But, let’s remember the times. Back then, mass communication was not very good, so most people did not know what was being done to the Jews and Gypsies, homosexuals, and political dissidents. They were unaware of the gas chambers and the mass slaughter. Also, Europe is not that big, many people in England had relatives and friends in Germany and were not all that keen on all out war. And, they had just gotten over the First World War, so they had fierce memories of the kind of suffering and deprivation that war brings to the common people.

To add to it, England had been in a major depression for a long time, and many people in England lived with hunger and deprivation as constant companions. Even after the war was under way, the government could not adequately feed either the soldiers or the poor, and rationing reduced the little food that was available. So, making people eager to sacrifice even more was not easy. Winston Churchill, the Prime Minister at the time, had not had a lot of success in life. He had been born to a prominent family but never quite met their expectations. Somehow, he managed his way into this high office, where things were not going well for him.

At least, not until he started to talk. And boy, could he talk. When the war effort faltered, he got on the radio and inspired the population to go one more day. He inspired them to keep sending their sons to die, and to keep watching their younger children go to bed hungry. When the troops were stuck on the other side of the English channel, his words inspired ordinary people to jump into little fishing and leisure boats and row or motor across the storm dashed channel to rescue the soldiers from the bombs and bullets of the German army.

After the war, Churchill was not remembered for his poor handling of the economy, or his bumbling social policies, instead, he was remembered, and highly regarded, for what he said. His words, not his deeds, are his legacy. If one man could strengthen a nation by talking, imagine what you can do in your family.

Family Talking Skills

Bringing new communication techniques into your home can be a challenge. If you have had a chance to practice them elsewhere first, you will be in a position to role model what you want from the rest of your gang. However, if you are just learning this yourself, then you will have to experiment and practice right along with the rest of them. Don’t be afraid, you have nothing to lose, and only a stronger family to gain. If you would like to improve your family talking skills, these tips might be helpful to you.

Pick an appropriate time. If you have something important to say, or if you just want a point in your day where someone listens to you regardless of how inane you are, don’t attempt to get their attention when the phone is ringing, one child has to be driven to piano lessons, and the dog is about to give birth on your bed. Find, or make, a time when your spouse or children are not legitimately focused elsewhere and then begin.

• Be responsible for what you say. Use words that honestly reflect your feelings, or, portray your situation. Avoid words that will offend or hurt the listener.

• Use eye contact. Just as listeners need to maintain eye contact, so do talkers. Look your listener in the eye to stay connected with her.

 • Watch your words and your tone. Anger and frustration are common feelings in families. But they do not have to be said with angry words or with a hostile tone of voice. The English language is full of words, find a thesaurus if need be. Use words that exemplify your feelings, not vilify your listener.

 • Use “I” messages. You will read this in every communication book on the shelf. And for good reason. You should be telling the listener who you are and how you are feeling. For example, instead of saying “Boy, was it a crappy day at work” you can say “Boy, I had a bad day at work. I really feel down.” Or, instead of, “Well, another day with me at the bottom of your ‘to call’ list “ you can say, “When you didn’t call to tell me you were working late, I felt really hurt.” This makes it personal and is more likely to engage the listener.

• Be clear and direct. Don’t drop hints about what you mean, say it directly. Your spouse and children are the worst mind readers in the world, and of all the minds they may ever read, yours will be the last.

• Watch your non-verbal language. Your family can’t read your mind, but they can read your body. Make sure that you are keeping your body language and your verbal language congruent so that your listener is not confused between what you are saying, and what they are seeing.

• Use requests, not orders. You have a right to ask for help or support from your family, but not to order them to provide it. For example, you can say “I really need you to help me with the dishes now” instead of “You have to turn off the television right now and help me with the dishes”. Or, instead of “You will clean your room when I say, not when you want”, you can say “Can you help me out by cleaning your room now instead of later? That way I will still have time to take you to the mall.” This may not always get you what you need, but it will set a positive tone and lead to cooperation rather than rebellion.

• Don’t use sarcasm. Sarcasm is really just another way of saying you don’t care about the person. They get the message, and they will respond in kind. The discussion may get heated, and you may feel angry or threatened, but stick to positive tones and descriptions of your needs and feelings. If nothing more, you will at least come of the discussion feeling better about yourself.

• Stay on the topic. You are doing the talking, the other person is listening. Great. Now, stay with the topic you started. Don’t bring in other issues. You get one topic per talk, otherwise, your listener will feel overloaded and tricked.

• Combine talking with listening. You started the conversation, but you don’t own it. If you have engaged the other person, give her some time to speak too, and use your listening skills so that you are really hearing what she is saying in response to your words.

• Watch the hand gestures. Some of us (like me) can’t say a word without flailing our arms about like a flapping penguin who doesn’t know it can’t fly (it can’t just be me who does that). If you are asking the other person to really hear what you are saying, try to pay attention to your hand gestures. They can appear threatening, they can be distracting, they can lead you to another emotional level that you don’t really need to go to. You don’t have to keep your hands locked flat at your sides, just keep the theatrics out of them and use your words, not your arms and hands, to show the intensity of what you have to say.

 • Don’t tower over your listener. If your listener is smaller than you, try to level out the height by suggesting you both sit, or by at least backing away from the listener so that you don’t present a body posture that screams “I have the power!”.

It is not as easy to be a good talker as you might think. It takes practice and you must give yourself permission to get it wrong for a while. Also, you might find that your family is not initially receptive to the changes. After all, they have been talking the same way for a long time, and they may feel that they have enough to do in life without trying something mom or dad just learned in a self-help book. But, persevere, because they will soon catch on to the benefits and will begin to copy your new style, even if they don’t know it.

When you are the talker, you have a lot of control of how the conversation will go. Since you love your family, you will want to ensure that your listener gets a clear and respectful message from you. If you are a parent in conflict with a teen who is overflowing with attitude, you can take the higher road and show your child that difficult messages can be conveyed in a positive and effective manner. If you are trying to get your spouse to listen to what you have to say, it will be more effective if you present your talk as an adult partner, rather than a lecturing parent. And, if you are trying to explain to the neighbor why it is not acceptable for his dog to chase your cat up trees, you will more likely come to an agreement if you have presented the problem clearly and responsibly, rather than threatening to sue him for the cost of bringing out the fire department to pull dear kitty down from the upper branches.

Consider This...

What role has talking to others played in your life? Chloe, age 63, and her husband, Joseph, also age 63, are both retired accountants and they recently found out that despite being successful both professionally and personally, they had missed out on quite a lot. The couple ran a successful accounting firm that supported their family of four children well. After they sold their business and had free time on their hands, they began to take the kind of self-improvement courses that had always interested them but had previously seemed to much of a luxury in time while they were working and raising their children.

“Our generation was only raised to say what was necessary, so our parents simply couldn’t teach us how to talk, even though Joseph and I both had well educated parents,” reports Chloe. “We raised our children the same way. I suppose we tried to spend more time with them than our parents did with us, and we tried to understand them and discuss issues, but looking back on it, we didn’t know how.”

I asked the couple if they thought lack of talking skill had impacted their family relationships. “Oh, sure it did,” says Joseph. “I was a typical father of my generation which meant I left the feeling issues up to my wife. I only took a course in communication as a trade off for her letting me spend Saturdays golfing. But, it changed my life. And one of the things it did was to make me regret that Chloe and I had spent so many years not really talking to each other or our children. It meant to me that we never really knew each other.”

Chloe agreed with this. “Thank heavens the teacher at the course told us it is never too late to begin good communication habits. So, we started practicing our new talking skills with our adult children, and our grandchildren, and it has made a difference. I feel closer to them than before, and I believe that has made us stronger as a family. Even though they have their own families, they still need us.”

Exercise

Think about your talking skills and how they occurred in the family in which you were raised. Ask yourself these questions:

1. While you were growing up, did you speak clearly and honestly with your parents? Your siblings?

2. Did you have role models of healthy talking?

3. If you did not speak effectively, how did that impact your life?

4. How did it affect your life? Your relationships?

5. How did you talk to others?

6. How did others respond to you when you talked?

7. Were you verbally aggressive?

8. Were you verbally passive?

9. Did you get frustrated that no one understood you?

10. When you were able to say what you had to say, how did that make you feel about yourself? About your family?

Now, think about your current family, or current important relationships and consider the following:

1. Do you use talking skills with your family?

2. Do you blame your family members when they don’t understand you? When they seem insensitive to your needs?

3. Do you have any talking skills?

4. Does anyone in your family have talking skills?

5. How do you respond when important people in your life don’t seem to hear what you are saying?

6. Do you use blaming words?

7. How does ineffective talking weaken your family 

8. How does effective talking strengthen your family?

Your Turn

What are some ideas you have for strengthening your family’s talking skills? You may have been wanting to change communication styles between family members for awhile, this is your chance to consider some new ways of talking to each other. Consider all the ways that your family effectively talks to each other, and then consider the areas where you think there could be some real improvement. Also, don’t forget to think about the different ages of your family members. Their ages, stages, and abilities will impact what they can learn and how fast they can learn it. But, don’t be put off just because some are young, or others are in their non-communicative teens, there is bound to be some areas that all can, and will, work on. Be realistic, stay within the values, skills, time limits, and abilities of your family members. Write down four ideas.

1.___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2.__________________________________________________________________________________________________________