“Why did you pick me?”
I was speaking by phone with New Daughter tonight and she said how afraid she is of this adoption. She arrives for good in 6 days – what a risk this is for her. She has 17 years of experience with rejection and broken promises, and no experience at all with commitment and hanging in there. I can’t imagine what it must feel like. I’m very proud of her though because I know that this is a far greater risk for her than it is for us.
She said that she’ll be perfect for us so we’ll never make her leave. Well, I told her that she can’t be perfect- that we will just work through the issues as they come up. I also told her that if I was the type to make kids leave – there is a line up ahead of her that could go, at least at the moment. None of my others are perfect and more importantly, I can’t be perfect so I don’t expect that from my kids.
Here’s a good example of my lack of perfection – last night I had a great opportunity to practice what I preach with Little #13 who was raging while we had company. I chose to respond by just getting mad and dealing with the situation with consequences instead of what I know works (mirror neurons and oxytocin). Ah well, there will be other rages for which I can pull it together and do the right thing. I wonder if New Daughter will be able to forgive me when I can’t be perfect for her?
When I was at NACAC I happened to meet a young woman, age 19, who was also adopted at age 17. It hasn’t been an easy road for her or her parents, but they have stuck together and from my brief conversation with her father, I know there is love and some real joy in this life they have constructed together.
For both of these girls (okay, young women, but really, at my age, anyone under 35 is a girl) - the big question is ”Why did you pick me?” What a totally dreadful question -why would anyone have to ask why others would want to be their parent? Why can’t they be asserting “Of course you chose me!” How terrible it is that life makes young people question why anyone would want to love them! My other 14 children are not without issues, and they are not without their grudges toward me, but at least they don’t ask “Why me?” when it comes to accepting the love that is offered by others.
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One time I was talking to a foster parent who said that a young woman, whom she had fostered as a teen, called to ask if it was OK to come to her place for Thanksgiving dinner as she had no where else to go. Fortunately this is a very caring foster parent who welcomed her. My hope for youth that are adopted in their teens is that in later years they won’t even have to ask if it is OK to come home for Thanksgiving dinner – they simply know the door will be open. Have spoken to teens who wanted to be adopted and they say things that will break your heart: “who will be there to watch when I get married?” “I want to go to college but where will I go when other students go home on holidays?” “where do I go for Christmas after I am 19?” In my opinion there is no doubt that the greatest need today is in terms of adoption are the waiting teens. I wish you and your family all the best Brenda!