A concept he puts out in this book is that it is never to late to seek God’s grace and to find redemption. He posits that there is no time limit on these and  that even after death, people as horrible as Hitler can still be forgiven and redeemed. I like that. Not because I am quite so awful, but because I know that when I die I still won’t be the actualized person I hope to be. I also like it because it reminds me of adoptive family life (yes, I know, everything reminds me of that).

Here’s the thing – I had a horrible relationship with some of my children as they grew up – there was nothing that was emotionally close or fun or safe for either of us. Now, I have only 5 still to be raised, and the rest are adults. As we have gone through birthday season this year (12 birthdays in 9 weeks) with week after week of family birthdays celebrated at our house, I’ve watched as the young adults who so intensely hated me ten years ago now enjoy being with the family and they go out of their way to make me feel good about myself as a mom and they make sure I know they love me. They are also receptive to the love I offer. Some can reflect on the past and realize it was always there, others still don’t see the love that was offered in the past, but they are willing to accept it now.

I guess I hadn’t really understood how much I needed their love  - I had so many years of accepting that it wasn’t there – now, I can feel it and I just soak it in and my heart dances. 

That’s one of many millions of benefits of adoption – just as Rob Bell says its never too late to be redeemed, it’s also never too late to have a really wonderful relationship with your children, regardless of how many challenges you have faced together, or how many years you fought each other, or how many mistakes either of you made, or how little bonding there may have been during the growing up years.

Some of our kids simply can’t belong or attach while they are growing because they have too many memories, too many other conflicting relationships, too many behavioral challenges etc to manage adding the burden of learning to love a parent. That tends to leave us parents baffled and sometimes hurt or angry, or even hopeless But, if you can hang on enough to at least let them know the door isn’t closed, there is always hope for a future with your child.

I have one adult child who isn’t contacting any of us. We know where he is, and I leave him a weekly message of love on his facebook page. I know that many of his sibs do the same. Likely there won’t be any big change in the foreseeable future, but maybe some day. If Rob Bell thinks that you can be saved even after death, well, then I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to believe you can attach in middle or later age.

So, that’s my thought for the day.

Don’t forget to check out my youtube videos and my facebook Hazardous Parenting site stress management daily tips as well as my (no) weight loss blog — and remember, you are entitled to a better day.

I know I wasn’t unusual in this. After all, we aren’t even approved for adoption unless we’ve proven that we cope well with life. No one places a child with a parent who says “I cry all the time, I can’t sleep, and I don’t have any friends and I have no support network.”   I mean really, those of us who *pass* the home study have demonstrated that we CAN DO IT – WE CAN SUCCEED AT ANYTHING!! so, we enter the adoption with the assumption that we can manage whatever traumas and tribulations our child brings into our lives.

If, early on, we get hit with the startling fact that we aren’t doing so well, then we find ourselves emotionally coerced into silence because we are afraid our child will be taken away from us. Once the final papers are signed, we’re usually on a full fledged hunt for the magic therapy or magic pill or magic whatever that will *heal* our child and thus get rid of the behaviours that are pushing us to new and unfamiliar levels of emotional dys-regulation.  Along the way, very few professionals who see our children actually spend any time focusing on us, the parents.

And, we often don’t even realize that we have lost the capacity to manage our own stress in a healthy manner. We cry when we are alone, we don’t wake our spouse when our anxiety wakes us at 3 a.m., we see our weight creep up and don’t realize that cortisol overloads convert glucose to belly fat…the symptoms go on and on and on, and so do we.

I’m not mentioning this to get business for myself (but feel free to call me if you need a therapist), but because I truly don’t think enough  attention is given to us parents. Many adoption professionals fail to realize how extensive and serious this issue is, and adoption workers are afraid of scaring potential adoptive parents away if they include it in their pre-adoption training.  I understand that – can you imagine how many people would continue their adoption application if one of the courses they had to take was titled “Ten Signs that You Are Developing Trauma from Your Child’s Extreme Behaviour Challenges”?  Nope, that would not get any child placed with anyone.

I can’t tell you how often, by the time a family has been referred to me, the parents are simply too exhausted and too traumatized to be able to follow through with the parenting strategies that might help their child. Often, these parents are labelled as the problem, or they are even seen as the cause of the child’s failure to attach.  I think we have to drag this facet of adoption out of the shadows and into the known, and talked about,  reality of adoption.

We’ve done so much to advocate for our children – time to advocate for ourselves.

Hey, check out some of the new ways you can spend more time with me, or at least have something to do when you are on “hold” on the phone. My facebook page – Hazardous Parenting – has 5 day a week tips for surviving the parenting stress. My You tube site has tips on how to tap and meditate your way to better emotional health. i’m adding to that several times a week. My weight loss blog (actually, it’s a no weight loss blog) is about… yup weight loss and stress from Hazardous Parenting.

Remember, you are entitled to a better day. 

One of the ways in which I know I contributed to this is that I was always trying to help him *reach his potential*. To that end we accessed counselling and other support services, and I tried to use discipline that would teach him rather than punish him. True, I thought it was in his best interest, and of course, as parents, we can’t just say “Oh well, my child can’t read” or “My child can’t manage his temper” or ….. “My child can’t….whatever”…..   But as I look back on it, a lot of the help I was trying to get, and many of the ways I parented, \I simply reinforced the message that he was not good enough as he was.

I know that for many of the kids I see, they feel that being taken to a therapist is a punishment (I don’t think they feel that way once they work with me, but that’s how they see it as the process is set up). I know too that much of what I used to try to help parents change in their children, I now try to help the parents learn to live with.

Now, I look at mutual problem solving and negotiation as well as increasing parental stress management and parental tolerance and parental disengagement skills instead of focusing so much on changing, or healing, the child. I really, really believe that what our children need is safety and stability in our homes more than they need therapeutic interventions. I believe that the stability, and the development of the parent’s capacity to regulate their own emotions and responses to their child’s behaviors, will do far more to help the child learn emotional self regulation and to grow those pre-frontal lobes than anything else.

I didn’t believe that 20 years ago, so my son didn’t get from me what my younger children are getting. He got the message that he had to change to be loved – he sees my younger children get the message that I love them as they are.  I am so grateful that he understands that parenting is a learning process and that I did the best I could at the time, and that I honestly thought that I was doing the best for him. I am also grateful that I didn’t do everything wrong, and that he has turned out to be a really wonderful man and father. But, I am sad that I couldn’t have parented him in a way that let him know how magnificent I have always thought he was.

By the way, before I get all the emails asking if I don’t believe in disciplining my kids, or in therapy – yes, of course I believe in both. However, the difference now is that I am more concerned with how the child understands the discipline and the point of the therapy, and I am very, very careful about when I need to work with the child to help them heal, and when I need to work with the parents to help them learn to disengage and accept.

Well. I’ll likely write more about this another time. I need to put more thought into it.

In the meantime, have your best day possible.

Don’t forget to check out my Hazardous Parenting facebook page and my Youtube videos on helping parents to manage the stress of Hazardous Parenting.

That made me slip slide onto my life. I have, through one set of doors, a wonderful life – weekends filled with adult children and grandchildren stopping by for meals or coffee or babysitting with lots of interaction between the different generations of my own children, always a volleyball game or soccer game going in my back yard with uncles, nieces, and grandchildren playing. Or a little one on the trampoline surrounded by older aunts or cousins. Then there is the regular and fun chaos of the not so littles whose friends hang out at our house after school, they clean out the fridge in one fell swoop and because the are all in a similar age group there is great drama and high energy between them all. It’s loud and fun and fills me with joy.

However, when I step through the sliding doors into my other life, there is the overwhelming stress of worrying about my mom, who is trapped in the few functioning neurons that Alzheimer’s has left in her brain, and she is in chronic pain that isn’t being alleviated despite the doctor’s attempts to do so. She is aware of very little, and most of what she knows is pain. It’s so hard to watch and not be able to help her. She was a vibrant, intelligent, active woman who did nothing to bring on this disease and who deserved so much better for her final years.

And, there is my terrifying fear for my son who can’t get his life started no matter what he tries. I can’t help him either. I stand by powerless and angry and crying in my soul for both of them, and that changes nothing.

Oh of course, lets not forget that I live with a chronic rager. I worry about the impact she has on her younger sibs – I talk about it with them and we  have ways to cope with this. Fortunately, they are genetic sibs so there is a bit of her temper in all of them and they are all well able to defend themselves. Still, I can’t predict her outcome, nor can I predict the impact of her hourly rages on my long term chances of being sane at the end of it all!!

The doors of my life are sliding and I don’t get to choose which life I spend my time in – I have to live them both.

In the end of the Paltrow movie, one of her characters dies. I don’t expect that to happen to me (not now).

So, I accept that I can’t change or fix certain things, I pray, I manage my stress, I pray some more…..

I will have my best day possible – I hope you will do the same. 

Don’t forget to check out my new weight loss blog and the stress management for Hazardous Parenting facebook page.

They had met the foster mother, not the foster father, and she had been eager to support the transition from one home to the other. The parents had not liked some of what they heard about the humor or the “one time” use of physical discipline – but this was an experienced and well liked foster home – so no reason to be suspicious.

Being as diligent in their parenting duties as possible, they provided interventions and supports and responses based on the diagnoses. They had expectations that were reasonable for those conditions, but not for trauma.  This was much like treating someone for thyroid problems when they also have diabetes – it just doesn’t work…and the results are just as disastrous.

Why didn’t the child’s social worker know about this? I don’t know.   This young man did receive some counselling along the way – but no one came up with the right answer – maybe no one ever asked the right questions. Why didn’t the child tell the adoptive parents? Perhaps he thought they knew – or perhaps he just couldn’t find the words – most likely its because the one thing in life that parentless children learn early is to keep the secrets – that’s their only key to survival.

So much heart ache and anger that never had to be.

Well, those years can’t be re-lived. But, the wonderful thing about adoption is that it’s forever - this family has the rest of their lives to get to know each other in a different way and they are proceeding to do so. But how about all the other families who don’t have the truth about their child’s pre-placement lives? I think that we have to assume that we don’t really know anything when a child is placed. And, perhaps we have to assume there is much more trauma than we know of despite what anyone tells us to the contrary.

To be clear – I know that there are many wonderful foster parents and I believe strongly that they are the majority. This post isn’t about condemning foster parents or social workers. This is about never, ever, assuming we truly know the history of the children who come into our lives. We have to ask questions, and make assumptions, and pray that we eventually get to know our children well enough to parent them according to their needs, not their recorded history.

Hey = you are entitled to a better day.

Ah well, I’ll just write anyway. Lately, it seems that grief is my overriding experience. My mom has had a huge and fast cognitive decline, it’s not even typical of the general deterioration with Alzheimers. It’s so sad to watch. Then there is the grief over one of my sons as he gives up on life – it’s always been too hard for him. When he was younger he asked our minister why God hated him so much. He honestly tries but then he gets knocked down again. He’s an adult now, so very little I can do to help him try to carve out a space for himself in this world. Still, as I said in my last blog  post, I remain hopeful and I pray.

On the positive – if you were reading my blog a  few years ago you would have read my many complaints & rants about # 6 – he and I couldn’t stand to be in the same room together and I certainly despaired over what he would do to the world. Well, now I am trying to convince him to take a path at university that will bring him into business with me and will allow him take it over in a few years. I sure never saw that one coming!!!!

I know that one of the main things in life is that you never know what is going to happen next – and when you become an adoptive family the surprises, both good and bad, not only become magnified, but there is an entirely new universe of possible experiences that may come your way.

Okay – now  I have to deal with the predictable – so, have your best day possible. And, don’t forget to check out my Hazardous Parenting facebook page for daily tips on how to get the best out this life we have been given.

path. The big one? If I had known how totally, devastatingly, horribly, hard it is to watch a young adult fail, and fail, and fail, and give up…  because fasd & adhd & early neglect/abuse don’t leave you with enough to get a life going for yourself when you grow up and your too old for your parent to make your life happen for you – I would never have put myself in a position in which I had to watch and subsequently live such emotional pain.

I know that seems selfish – I’m not the one with those conditions – I have created a good life for myself.  But, I love my kids. Like most parents, I didn’t even know how much love could be until I became a mom. And, loving a child with challenges creates an intensity to the parent/child relationship that doesn’t always exist elsewhere. So, when you provide all you can during the growing years, and you fight each battle and you  advocate for each support and you live through the years of conduct disorder and chaos….and it all results in the young adult accepting your values, and trying to achieve what you have said should be achieved…and finding the obstacles too great to overcome..my God, it hurts me.

My child is still alive – and nothing is over as long as there is life – so I have hope. But my hope doesn’t make him feel like his life is worth living. My hope doesn’t get him a job. My hope doesn’t get him friends. My hope doesn’t help him keep a place to live. However, right now, my hope is all we have.  

Well, on that dismal note, I’m back to work. Thanks for listening.

I also had to have dealings with two of my drug addled adult sons. It was by phone, I won’t have them here when they are under the influence, but the interaction wrapped me in sadness for a time. They are such fine young men but just can’t get past this hurdle. However, I believe that as long as they are still alive, there is hope for change – so I will keep on hoping and praying for them and maybe someday they will find a better path in life.

I was also very aware that 3 of my young adults who contributed greatly to the fun and joy of the day were, only a few short years ago, the very ones who would have created some kind of chaos or serious issue. Now, they go out of their way to make me feel loved and appreciated and they add to best parts of these family events. Yup, I am indeed grateful.

Lots of my successful young and older adult children, as well as grandchildren, enjoyed the day with us. My not so littles did their part to make the day fun for all of us with their energy and noise. The weather was magnificent too, which always helps the mood. The adults and kids played our family version of volleyball in the back yard and then flew kites in the park on the other side of our back fence. I had made a bunch of casseroles the day before so I didn’t have to spend a lot of time in the kitchen & I could actually be involved in the fun.

My youngest four daughters always help me with the preparation for these big family get togethers. We prep and cook and talk & laugh about the weirdest stuff while we do it. Such good memories for me and I hope, for them as they grow up.

Actually, the whole day was much like my fantasy of what family life is like for neurotypical families. I mean hey, even some of those have kids with drug problems – that isn’t an issue that’s confined to adoption!  I know another crisis of some sort will arise soon enough – but I won’t worry about it till it happens, and in the meantime, I have yesterday to think of when I need a happy memory.

I hope your weekend went well and you lots of good things on which to focus. Life is short, no point in dwelling on what can’t be changed, eh.

Don’t forget to check out my new facebook page – Hazardous Parenting. And, if you’re looking for a powerpoint for anything you can always download the ones  I have posted on Slideshare. They are just bare bones since I only use powerpoint as a background to my lectures, but they are a framework if you need the info.

“They found that men who were 50 or older when they had a daughter were 1.79 times more likely to have a grandchild with autism, compared to men who had children when they were age 20-24.

Men who had a son when they were 50 or older were 1.67 times more likely to have a grandchild with autism.”

The second study I’m quoting here was led by King’s College London’s Institute of Psychiatry, Karolinska Institutet in Sweden and the Queensland Brain Institute in Australia. and

“Notably, women exposed to the highest level of physical and emotional abuse, comprising one-quarter of the women in our study, were at 61.1 percent elevated risk for having a child with autism compared with women not exposed to abuse,” the study said.

The more we know, the less we know, eh. When I think of all that my children and their genetic parents, and their genetic  grandparents etc have experienced in terms of abuse it’s no wonder they have problems that are beyond my ability to resolve. In fact, it’s a wonder that they can function at all.

I find myself confounded by the knowledge that my children have been born with the odds so heavily stacked against them. They started their own lives with pre-natal exposure to toxins and pre-natal exposure to maternal stress hormones, then within a short time after birth they experienced emotional abandonment, abuse, neglect & chaos. It’s truly a wonder they can do anything in life, and it’s no wonder that I can’t *fix* them.

Most of my grown ups are doing well – in fact, most of those who were so challenging and frustrating and self destructive during their growing years are now stable & productive, and very loving toward me. I so appreciate the time I have with them now, the dinners and the coffees and the chats – things I never thought would happen just a few short years ago.

It makes me look at my Not-So-Littles, who are a barrel of fasd, adhd, odd, ocd and many other letters, and I have hope as well as caution as I raise them. I don’t invest emotionally in how they will turn out – I just do what I can to give them the best possible growing years I can in case their adult years are harsh. I know that so little of how they turn out will be because of how I raised them or even because of their own choices – so much is predetermined by genes and by history.

Ah, well, I will continue to do my best most of the time.

So, don’t forget to check out my new facebook page Hazardous Parenting – I’m posting an encouraging and supportive tip each day (except Sunday and not Saturdays when we have early soccer). I know I could have used a daily dose of connection with other Hazardous Parents over the years so I’m trying to give that to others now.

I’m also continuing to put up new powerpoints on Slideshare for anyone to use as they want or need.

Hey there friends, have your best day possible.

The rest of Shay James….

Chapter Ten

Caught

   Shay walked as quickly as she could along the slippery, snowy railroad tracks and onto the treed path that would take her to the back of Mr. Fletcher’s barn. She regretted not taking the time to get a bigger flashlight; the path was only barely visible and she had to be careful to find a safe footfall on the snow and ice covered ground. Shay didn’t want to sprain her ankle. It would take forever for anyone to find her and she didn’t even want to think about how much trouble she would be in if she was caught going to Fletcher’s barn. Still, Shay knew this was her last chance to do something that might save the horses and she wasn’t about to let this opportunity go by. Shay felt as everything in her life happened because somebody else made a decision about her. At least now she was making her own decisions and taking control of her life, even if it didn’t work out the way she wanted.

Shay trudged along the path, wrapping her woollen scarf around her face as she pulled her thick collar as far up her cheeks as it would go. The late day was still and settling in colder than she had expected, which could only mean that a snowstorm was imminent.  Shay shivered at thought of being caught outdoors in a snow fall; it would make it very hard to get home if there was a strong wind. The line of trees along the beach thinned and Shay came out into the open pasture on the far side of the barn. Through the dark she could just make out the silhouette of the barn and she headed toward the back side of it, hoping to sneak around and see if Ginger was still there. Shay walked slowly and carefully across the field, around the shrubs, and finally she reached the back of the barn. She could hear the movement of the few horses that were still outside in the front pasture, but there was another noise, and slight shreds of light filtered out through the old barn wall.

Shay crept along the side of the barn and came around the corner to the front of it. There were only two horses outside. The rest of the small herd, having sensed the oncoming snow storm, had retreated to the relative warmth of the barn. As Shay neared the barn door, she noticed that there was a car parked a few feet away. It looked old and battered and she thought she saw a crack across the front of the windshield. She knew she had seen the car around Proctor but she couldn’t recall who owned it.

She shut off her flashlight and with her back flat against the barn wall, Shay moved closer to the open barn doors. She chose her steps carefully, trying to prevent the crunching noise her boots made in the hard crusted snow. Shay could hear the voices better from this position. A man was yelling at someone and she could hear loud crying, too. The large barn door was only open part way, and Shay, wanting to get a look inside, crept to the inside of the door, hoping the dark outside and the dim light inside would not show her form as she moved slowly into the barn itself.

As far as Shay could tell, the voices were coming from the back of the barn, likely near the ladder to the loft. If she could get into the barn without being seen, she could hide in the shadows of the machinery at the front and from there she would be able hear and see whatever was going on. Shay suddenly heard something that sounded like a boat motor cutting through the frigid air.  The motor slowed to a stop amid the sound of lapping waves hitting the shore, and then a moment of silence, followed by a heavy thud and then the crunch of heavy feet stomping through the snow. She realized that a boat had landed on the beach and the driver was walking toward the barn. There was no time to think, Shay ran as lightly as she could to the machinery and slid down behind the big front tire of an old tractor. She knew the tractor didn’t fully conceal her, but as long as no one was looking in her direction, she could remain hidden in the shadows until they left.

A figure appeared in the doorway and the overhead lights went on. Fear made Shay’s heart beat so fast she thought it might pop out of her chest. She focused on her breathing, trying to calm her intake of air so that the no one would hear her.

“Hey,” she heard the man shout. “Kill the lights! We can see well enough with my flashlight.”

“What are you worried about?” a woman’s voice replied. “We’re too far from the main road to be seen and there weren’t any other boats on the lake when I came over. Even if anyone did notice a light, they’d assume you’re just here to feed the horses.”

Shay’s mouth dropped open in surprise. The man must be Tom Jacobs. No wonder he had offered to help with the horses.

Tom Jacobs walked to the front of the barn with Ginger trailing a few steps behind him. Shay couldn’t see them very well though the machinery, but she recognized Tom Jacobs as the man who was talking to Ginger outside of the Club. He had the same weird hat with the pulled down ear pieces. And, from the blond hair sticking out beneath the toque on the woman, Shay thought it must be Barbara Gillies, the woman in the pictures.

“How come you’re so late?” Tom asked. “We were supposed to meet here at four.”

“Yeah, well, I had to wait for one of my older boys to get home to take care of the girls. I can’t just leave them on their own, you know,” Barbara said.

“Right, after all, you are the Mother of the Year,” Tom said sarcastically. “Well, we’ve been here a while and we’ve already searched the loft. I can tell you there’s nothing up there. Whatever they found, they took it all.”

“Well how are we going to find out who has the camera?” Ginger was talking, and she was still crying slightly. “If my dad finds out about this, I’ll be dead for sure.”

“Your old man’s a drunk who doesn’t give a damn about what you do,” Tom said, cruelly.

“I know, but he’s a drunk with a fist, and it’ll be on me for this,” Ginger was crying even harder now. “How could you have dropped the camera? How could you get us into this mess?”

“Look kid, I didn’t force you to do this. And don’t blame me for dropping the camera. That was Barbara’s doing,” Tom was mad and almost shouting.

“Don’t blame me either! When you hit that old man I thought for sure you’d killed him. I just grabbed the lights and ran, like you said to do,” Barbara’s voice was shrill and edgy. Shay couldn’t tell if she was mad or afraid. “I thought I had the camera in my pocket.”

“Well, you didn’t have it in your pocket, did you,” Tom said. “And now we have to find out who has it and shut him up.”

“What do you mean by that?” Ginger asked.

A rush of fear-fuelled heat flooded Shay’s face.

“You might get beaten up by your dad, but bruises heal. It’s worse for Tom and me. We’ll go to jail. Tom’s already done a stretch and he isn’t interested in going back there again, and I’ll lose my kids to child protection and maybe even do some jail time myself,” Barbara said. “I’m not about to sit by and let that happen, I can tell you.” Barbara pulled off her gloves and put her hand in her pocket, pulling out a cigarette and lighter. She lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. As she exhaled, the smoke filled the air around Barbara’s head, like a grey halo.

“Come on, we’ll do another check of the loft. That’s where we were when the old guy came in and we had to clean up in a hurry. I don’t trust that you guys found everything, I want to look myself,” Barbara said. She headed toward the back of the barn, with the other two following.

As she reached the ladder, Tom said “I already told you, we’ve been up there and there’s nothing left. Whoever found our stuff took it all,”

“And I already said I don’t trust you two. Neither of you have a full set of brains,” Barbara said as she dropped her lit cigarette and crushed it out under her foot.

“You can spend all night here as far as I’m concerned but I’m leaving,” Tom said. “I sure as hell don’t want to be out when the snow starts, and you should get your butt back over to Balfour before the winds get any worse or you’ll be stuck on this side of the lake till tomorrow.”

“But how are we going to find out who has the camera?” Ginger wailed.  ‘”You don’t know what my dad will do to me if we get caught,” Ginger went on. “You just don’t understand how bad it will be for me.”

“Shut up!” Tom said sharply, and without warning, he raised his arm and hit Ginger fully in the face. She fell back a step and put her hand to her check, surprise and shock registering on her face.

“Oh” Shay exclaimed in alarm and she clamped her hand to her own mouth, as if she could magically take back the sound that had just escaped from her.

“What’s that? Who’s there?” Tom said as he turned toward Shay. He walked toward her, with Ginger following. “Hey Barb,” he shouted over his shoulder. “We have a visitor!”

Shay backed as far as she could against the wall, but there was no escaping Tom as he reached down and grabbed her shoulder. Shay could smell the odour of stale tobacco on his body and stale beer on his breath as his large, gnarled hand grasped Shay by the shoulder and yanked her roughly out from behind the tractor wheel. He looked skinny, even under his winter coat, but he moved so fast that it made up for his lack of strength. She could see his face, grey and drug hardened like her parents, and Shay knew immediately that there would be no kindness in a man like him.

“What have we got here?” Tom said. “A little snoop, I think.”

“I know her! She hangs out with that goody two shoes Grace Norton. I think she lives at the Halliwell’s,” Ginger said. “What are you doing hiding in the barn?”

“Yeah, what are you doing here, kid?” Tom Jacobs asked.

“I just came to see if the horses were okay,” Shay said shakily.

“Then why didn’t you just walk in,” Barbara asked. “You didn’t have any reason to hide,” she paused a moment and then a look of understanding came over her face, “unless you had some reason to spy on us.”

“Are you one of the regulars?” Tom asked.

Shay couldn’t think of any reason to deny this, so she nodded her head, too afraid to speak.

“And that means you were probably here on your own, after Fletcher was hit, and I bet you did some looking around, checking out the place,” he said.

“You found the camera didn’t you, kid,” Jacobs said, his low voice menacing and fearsome.

“Of course, that makes perfect sense!” Barbara Gillies smiled through her thin, lipstick coated lips.

“Are you the one who took the camera and left the note?” Ginger asked angrily. “Do you know how much trouble you’ve caused me?” She had stopped crying, but her eyes were moist and Shay could see a red welt forming on her cheek where Tom had hit her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Shay said, squeezing the words out through her fear.

Barbara had joined the group and she looked at Shay, staring into her eyes. “Yes you do, kid,” she said. “No point in lying to liars; you’ll get caught every time.”

“You have to let me go,” Shay said. “Jolene Halliwell will be looking for me! She knows I’m here.”

“No, she doesn’t,” Tom replied. “She’s in town. I saw her drive onto the ferry a few hours ago and I heard that Dave had an accident at work. She’ll be gone a few hours more, at least until eight o’clock or later.”

“I told you not to lie to us, kid,” Barbara said as she lit another cigarette. “So, what are we going to do with her?” Barbara said to Tom. “It was bad enough she has the camera, but now she knows you’re the one who hit old man Fletcher.”

Shay knew that if she was going to get away, it had to be now, while Jacobs and the woman were focused on each other. Hoping to take them by surprise, Shay twisted her shoulder and kicked, hitting Tom Jacobs squarely in the shin with the hard toe of her winter boot. He let go of his grip on her shoulder and Shay pushed Ginger out of the way and ran for the door. Before she could reach it, Barbara Gillies was fast behind her and she grabbed Shay’s arm and pulled hard, sending Shay to the ground.

Tom walked over to Shay and yanked her roughly back up on her feet. He turned her away from him, holding both of her arms roughly behind her back. “Jeez kid, now I’m going to put you where you can’t get away while we figure out what to do with you.” He pushed her toward the barn door.

“What are you going to do with her?” Ginger asked hysterically. “You aren’t going to hurt her are you?”

“She isn’t leaving us much choice,” Tom Jacobs answered harshly. “I think we might have to take her out in the boat and dump her in the middle of the lake. Nothing that goes into the lake in winter ever floats up again, especially if we tie a good size rock to her leg. That way there won’t be any tracing her back to us. She’s just a foster kid, isn’t she? Everyone will all just think she ran away. No one ever looks for those kids.”

“No,” Shay screamed and she twisted as hard as she could, but Tom was ready for her this time and his grip on her arms was firm. “The Halliwell’s know I wouldn’t run away, and my friends know that too. They’ll look for me,” Shay said, her voice was shaky from the terror she felt overtaking her body.

“Oh no,” Ginger cried out.  “You can’t do that! You can’t hurt her, she’s just a kid. Nothing like this was supposed to happen! You said it was just pictures, you never said anyone would get hurt!”

“Well, that changed when Fletcher caught us in the barn,” Tom snarled at Ginger. “Me and Barbara aren’t going to jail, and you don’t want to get beaten up by your old man, so the kid has to be shut up.”

“Let me GO!” Shay yelled as she stumbled along. The snow was falling heavily and the cold wind tore at her face. Tom Jacobs had her arms firmly bent behind her back and the pain was so intense she thought her arms would break.

Jacobs pushed Shay ahead of him, in the direction of his car. He pulled his keys from his pocket and opened the trunk. His rough hands padded against Shay’s side, feeling the coat pockets. Then he reached into the right pocket and pulled out her small flashlight.

“You won’t be using this any more,” he said and pushed Shay into the dark opening. She gasped from pain as she landed on her side and something hit the back of her head.  Jacobs grabbed her legs and shoved them in the trunk before she could kick at him.

Shay tried to look up at the man, but her tears blurred her vision so that all she could see was Jacob’s dark shape against the moon lit sky.

“Please don’t do this,” she begged. “Please, I won’t tell anyone,” Shay pleaded.

“Shut up, kid,” Jacobs replied heartlessly as he slammed the trunk lid down above Shay, cutting off all light.

“No!” Shay screamed into the darkness that surrounded her. The space was small and it stank of oil and filth. She couldn’t see anything; it was like being trapped in a grave. Shay kicked against the trunk lid and gasped for air through her sobs.  Shay felt the panic rising in her like a tidal wave, and knew it would engulf her mind and shut off all her senses, except fear.

“No,” Shay said again. She breathed in slowly, trying to control her panic, forcing herself to calm the sobbing. “I’ve survived creepier people than these stupid weirdos,” Shay said aloud, “and I can survive this, too.” As Shay began to feel more in control she found she could move around more and so she wriggled as much as she could to reduce her discomfort. There was very little room in the trunk and she couldn’t raise her head or stretch her legs. The bottom of the trunk underneath her was filled with junk that stuck painfully into her side through her thick jacket.

Shay moved her arms around, trying to get whatever she was laying on out from underneath her. Shay tugged and wriggled some more and pulled on an old blanket, stinking of oil. There was still something hard pushing into her ribs and she shoved and tugged and wiggled until she had the object in her hands. She pulled off her gloves so that she could get a better grip on it. Finally, she had a firm grip on the cold plastic and she yanked it out from underneath herself.

“A flashlight!” she cried out. It was a large flashlight and Shay felt around the handle until she found the on/off button and pressed but nothing happened. “Please work,” she prayed. “Please,” she said again as she pushed the button harder. Suddenly, the trunk was filled with light and Shay breathed a sigh of relief. The light didn’t make the space any larger, nor did it make her any safer, but it made her feel more in control and even a little bit hopeful. Something on the flashlight caught her attention and she brought it close to her face so she could see.

“Oh,” she aloud as she made out the letters M-A-R-I-N-E in yellow letters along a black stripe. It was the flashlight from the barn, and near the top of the light she could see some kind of dark substance. “Oh gross,” she said aloud again as she quickly moved it away from her face. Shay knew that the dark substance was dried blood and skin, probably from Mr. Fletcher’s head wound. It likely stuck to the light when Tom Jacobs hit Mr. Fletcher.

Seeing the evidence of Tim Jacob’s violence brought an even deeper level of fear to Shay. The panic threatened to swallow up her thoughts again and she had to force herself to re-focus on the task of getting out of the trunk. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

Shay directed the light toward the end of the trunk, near where the back lights would be located. When she was about ten years old, her father had told her how to check for a release handle in case she was ever kidnapped and locked in a car trunk. At the time, Shay had been mortified that her father considered that to be a good piece of fatherly advice. After all, she had thought, only the children of drug dealers needed to worry about being kidnapped and if he would just clean up his act, she wouldn’t be at risk. Well, she thought now, that just might turn out to be the most useful thing my father ever taught me.

She shone the light around until it landed on the trunk handle. It was near her feet and she had to almost roll herself into a ball and stretch her arm to grasp it, but finally she was able to wrap her fingers around the handle and pull. The trunk popped open and Shay crawled out quickly. She peered around the trunk lid to see if anyone in the barn was looking her way, then she pushed the lid down quietly so that they wouldn’t immediately notice that she was gone if they looked out of the barn.

Shay switched the flashlight off, pulling on her gloves while running as quickly as she could down the road. The snow had started to fall during the few minutes she was in the trunk and now the wind was blowing so hard she could barely see one step ahead. She got about twenty feet and stopped as she realized that with the weather this bad, the ferry would be docked at the night landing on the other side of the lake, and no one would be driving on or off. There would be no help from that direction. The few houses that ran along the beach on either side of the ferry landing were empty summer cottages. She knew she could easily break into one of them, but it was well known in the community that most of the cottage owners had installed loud security alarms that would go off if the property was breached, and that kind of noise would quickly alert Jacobs to her location. Shay turned and trudged back toward the pasture in front of the barn while sticking close to the tree line so that she wouldn’t be easily spotted. She knew the heavy snowfall would help hide her as long as she didn’t venture too close to the open, horse trod pasture.

Shay trod carefully through the unbroken snow, staying just inside the first line of trees. The trees sheltered her from the worst of the wind, but Shay found it difficult to walk in the almost knee deep snow which was beginning to leak into her boots. It took Shay almost ten minutes to get around the pasture and back onto the path that would take her to the railway tracks and back to the Halliwell’s where she could call the police. Her feet were cold and wet, and Shay’s legs were starting to hurt from the chill of the wet snow that soaked her jeans.

Shay turned on the flashlight but she fought the urge to run as she knew the exertion would make her inhale too much freezing air and that would wear her out too fast. Although it was hard to see in the blowing snow, she kept up a steady pace and was almost to the end of the path near the rail road tracks when Shay saw a flashlight waving in the dark and fragments of friendly and familiar voices carried through the air.

“Grace?” she called out in disbelief, trying to peer through the wind-driven snow that was falling all around her.

“Hi Shay!” Grace replied cheerfully as she and Larissa rounded the twisting turn in the path and came into full view.

“What are you doing here?” Shay asked incredulously, raising her voice to be heard above the wind.

“Larissa called and said you went to the barn by yourself to check on what was going on with Ginger. For goodness sake, you didn’t think we’d let you do that alone, did you?” Grace shouted back happily, shifting her body from one foot to the other to keep the cold from settling in.

“Come on, we have to get help and call the police,” Shay said urgently. She pushed Grace’s shoulder and pulled at Larissa’s arm to get them to start walking back the way they came, along the tracks. “We can’t stand here and talk, there isn’t time!”

“What’s the matter?” Larissa asked, raising her voice to be heard above the wind. “Did something happen?”

“Ginger wasn’t alone at the barn, she was with Tom Jacobs and that Gillies woman. They caught me spying on them and they were planning to kill me. They were going to take me out onto the lake and throw me in, with a rock tied to my leg to keep my down!” Shay’s voice shook from the fear and the cold.

“WHAT?” both girls replied at the same time.

“You can’t be serious!” Grace said as she hurried along to keep up with Shay.

“It was Tom Jacobs who hit Mr. Fletcher, and Barbara Gillies and Ginger and Sharon were in on the whole thing. They’re in the barn now and they caught me hiding in the equipment. They were going to kill me,” Shay repeated, “they really were. I’m finished playing detective. Those people are serious and crazy.”

The girls walked as quickly as they could and Grace pulled out her cell phone and took off her thick gloves and then punched in the button for ’Home’. Nothing happened. “My phone won’t work here,” she called to Shay. “It hardly ever works this close to the lake, and this weather doesn’t help.”

“Do you really think they’ll come after us?” Larissa asked as she puffed behind Grace, trying to keep up

“They don’t know about us,” Grace said. “But they’ll come after Shay for sure.”

“That’s right! They don’t know about you two. Grace, you take Larissa to your house and I’ll go a different way.  I don’t want you to get killed either,” Shay said.

“You really think that I’m going to leave you?” Larissa said through teeth that chattered from the cold. “’Cause I’m not leaving you to get killed all by yourself!”

Grace giggled, as much from the near hysteria and fear as from Larissa’s remark.  “No such luck, girlfriend, we got into this together, we get out of this together” Grace said bravely through her wind bitten lips. “Anyway, we have to get out of the weather too, so it’s smarter if we all try to get to the closest place together.”

Shay started to argue, but even in the dark and cold she could see the determination on the faces of her friends. And Grace was right, they all needed to get out of the cold and that meant going to the closest house. Splitting up would only get one of them frozen, and it wouldn’t save the others.

“Thanks, you guys,” she said. “I don’t know how soon they’ll notice I’m gone. Jacobs will think that I can’t get out of the trunk so he won’t be in a rush to check on me, but they won’t stay in the barn arguing forever. We have to hurry. It’s faster if we go to the Nedsmith’s than if we go home or to your place”.

“No, there’s no point in going there,” Grace said. “My mom mentioned to me that the Nedsmith’s went to Mexico last week for the rest of the winter. Their house and the greenhouses will be locked up and their phones are probably shut off.”

“Well, at least we’d be safe there. We could hide in the greenhouse or the barn or somewhere,” Larissa said.

“Nope, that won’t work,” level-headed Grace replied. The road in won’t have been ploughed in a week, so we might not be able to get through the snow to the house and we can’t risk all that time and energy just to find out it’s blocked. The Halliwell’s house is way closer than mine so we should go there and call my parents and the police.”

The girls reached the end of the railroad tracks and they were able to walk faster on the main road that would lead them to the foster home. Still, the wind tore at them and the road was slick with ice under the new covering of snow. Shay’s feet were suffering from the cold. Painful bolts of lightening streaked through her feet and up her legs, and she found each step forward harder than the last,

Grace was wearing ski pants, thick and warm, that kept her from getting chilled. Even Larissa was wearing heavy snow pants, sent by her grandmother for Christmas. Only Shay, dependant on a clothing allowance paid by the government, was under-clothed for the weather.

The girls were silent as they trudged along, hunched over to protect their faces from the wind-blown snow that threatened to envelop them in a blanket of freezing cold. Shay hoped they would be able to flag down a passing driver and car, but none passed by. No one would be on the road in this worsening weather unless it was an emergency, or unless it was Tom Jacobs out looking for them. Shay looked at the snow covered ditch on the side of the road and knew that there would be no place to hide and no place to run to if he drove up while they were still walking.

Finally, the girls reached the end of the long driveway that led to the Halliwell’s house. They trudged through the snow and made their way up the road and quickly entered the dark house. Shay hit the light switch, but nothing happened.

“Oh no!” Shay exclaimed. “The storm has killed the power. There’s probably a tree down on a power line, or else the lines have frozen and snapped,” she said. “We’ll have to find some more flashlights and get the fire going.”

The girls took off their coats and boots and entered the kitchen. Shay was cold and wet, and she sat at the kitchen table and stripped off her socks, tights, and jeans. The house was still warm enough from the heat that was left in the wood stove even though the power outage had shut off the furnace, but Shay couldn’t stop shivering.

“Give me the flashlight and I’ll get us some dry clothes and towels,” said Larissa. As the light flicked across the younger girl’s face, Shay could see that she had been crying. Shay wanted to get up and hug her, but she was too cold to move just yet.

Larissa left the room, stomping her way up the stairs to the girls’ bedroom.

“It’s probably better if we don’t use any more flashlights, that way we don’t advertise that we’re here,” Grace said through chattering teeth.

“They’ll come here sooner or later whether the lights are on or not,” Shay responded. It was hard for her to speak through her snow chapped lips. “They know I have no where else to go.”

“What about Ginger?” Grace asked.  ”If she was arguing with them, do you think they’ll hurt her?”

“Yes, I do,” Shay nodded. “She’s in real danger. Tom Jacobs and that lady are both really crazy, and they’re desperate. They don’t seem to think more than a minute ahead. All they think about is shutting someone up, but they don’t think about getting arrested for murder. Just like they didn’t think about getting in trouble for the pictures or for attacking Mr. Fletcher.”

“Oh, Shay,” Grace said. “We’re in such a mess. We were so stupid to not to tell our parents and call the police as soon as we found those photographs,” Grace said shakily. “I’m going to call my parents and the police right now.” Grace went to the telephone and picked it up, listening for a dial tone.  She slowly put the phone down. “It’s dead. The phone lines must be down too,” she said, turning to Shay, fear written in her face. “How are we going to call for help?”

“Try your cell again” Shay said, trying to quell the panic that was filling her. Grace nodded and went back to her jacket hanging in the entry hall and pulled it out of the pocket. She flipped the phone open but the service bars were non-existent.

“Now what do we do?” Grace whispered into the dark, cold kitchen.

Chapter Eleven

Danger for All

“We have to get to your house, there isn’t any other choice,” Shay answered. “We aren’t safe here. Tom Jacobs will show up here for sure and we’ll have no way to get away from him.”

“Why do you think he hasn’t shown up yet? What could he be doing that’s more important to him than finding you?” Larissa asked as she walked back into the kitchen with her arms full of clothes and towels. She handed dry jeans, warm tights, woollen socks and soft towels to Shay and Grace. The girls grabbed the towels and Shay rubbed hers hard on her legs, as if the motion alone could force the cold out of them.

“Who knows what that guy thinks is important,” Shay answered as she reached for a woollen sock. “Maybe his car wouldn’t start. Or, if we’re lucky, he might have driven off the road and be stuck somewhere. Or, maybe he took some time to do something bad to Ginger and then he’ll come after us. More than likely, he stopped to smoke a joint or two to steady his nerves,” Shay said, recalling her parents’ behaviour whenever they were stressed or afraid. “But he’ll be here sooner or later, you can bet on that. We have to get to Grace’s house as fast as we can.” Shay stopped rubbing her legs and started to vigorously rub the towel in her snow wet hair. She was afraid that if she went out again with wet hair, it would freeze.

“Won’t he see us on the road?” Larissa asked. “That would make it even easier for him because he could just run us over and say it was an accident because of the ice on the road.”

“There has to be some way out of this,” Grace said. “We can’t just give up and wait to get killed.”

Suddenly Shay stopped rubbing her head and looked at the other girls. “I know what we can do. We can use Dave’s snow plough!” she said excitedly.  “It can only hold one person, but if one of use could figure out how to drive it, then two of us could hide somewhere on the property while the other went for help. We could probably stay hidden long enough for your dad to get here,” Shay said to Grace.

“The snow plough!” Larissa echoed. “But that thing is slow, and none of us knows how to drive.”

“I can drive a plough,” Grace said. “I do it all the time at home. I can drive ploughs, tractors–anything. I live on a farm, remember.”

“Okay, that’s what we’re doing,” Shay said, relieved that they finally had a way to safety. “You take the plough and get to your parents house. Larissa and I will hide someplace here till your parents show up. ”

“What if that Jacobs guy sees her on the road?” Larissa asked. “She can’t drive faster than a car.”

“He’ll be coming from the opposite direction so he won’t see me. If he doesn’t find you here, he’s not going to keep driving to my place. Anyway, a plough  can go a lot faster than a car in the snow and even if he did see the plough, he wouldn’t know it was me because he won’t be able to see inside,” Grace answered. “And I’ll have better traction on the road than that wreck he drives. Really, it’s our only hope, I have to try.”

“Where are the keys?” Grace asked as she put on her coat. “What if Dave has them with him?”

“`He doesn’t keep the keys on him. They’ll be hanging on a nail inside the shed door,” Shay answered. She silently thanked God that the Halliwell’s never worried about thieves or foster children taking their farm equipment. The keys to all of the equipment and the truck were always in plain sight. “While you’re gone, we’ll find someplace to hide on the property. I don’t think we can stay in the house, that’s the first place they’ll look. I’ve just got to warm up a bit more so I can walk and then we’ll go out into the outbuildings.  When you get back with your parents, just keep calling or honking the horn till we come out.”

“How will we know it isn’t Tom Jacobs calling or honking?” Larissa asked.

“Don’t worry,” Grace said, “Jacobs and Barbara Gillies aren’t going to just honk and expect you to come running out from your hiding place. If there’s honking and yelling, it’ll be my dad.”

Grace smiled at both of the girls and then reached her arms out toward Shay and Larissa. This time Shay didn’t hesitate to join the hug. Just an hour ago, in fact for most of her life, she had felt alone and afraid, but because of these two friends Shay knew she was no longer in the world by herself.  Now she was afraid for her friends as well, and she quickly ended the hug and almost pushed Grace out of the door toward the shed. She wanted her safely away before it was too late.

“I’ll be back soon,” Grace waved as she disappeared down the driveway and into the blowing snow.

Shay knew they didn’t have any time to waste, but her chilled body was almost at the point of hypothermia and her muscles and nerves were refusing to cooperate. She had to move slowly just to move at all. Some of her toes were still numb from the long, cold walk through the snow, and some were starting to hurt badly. It would be hard for her to walk any distance and she might have trouble getting her boots back on her swollen feet. Still, they would have to do get out of the house soon…

Shay focused on getting enough feeling back in her feet that she could brave the snow again. Finally after a few minutes of warming her legs and feet, Shay knew they couldn’t wait any longer.

“Get your snow gear on again,” Shay said to Larissa.

“What about your feet!” Larissa asked. “Can you walk?”

“I’m okay,” Shay managed to stand up despite the pain. Her balance was off, but she wobbled her way to the mudroom where she quickly looked through Jolene’s dry jackets for one that she could wear. She knew that with all the trouble they were in, Jolene wouldn’t mind if Shay took one of her warm jackets without asking. “Have you got any ideas about where we can hide,” Shay asked Larissa as she rifled through the jackets, finally choosing one that was long and heavy and looked like it would keep the wet of the snow off her body.

The Halliwell’s had a number of outbuildings, but since they didn’t keep animals on the place most of the sheds and small structures were used for equipment and none were heated.

“I don’t know where we should go,” Larissa said. “Should I put on my own clothes again? They’re a little wet but they’re not too bad.”

“Put on whatever dry snow gear you can find quickly and we’ll go out into the back field and hide in the old equipment shed.  It isn’t insulated but it’s a good distance from the house. Jacobs and that woman won’t go wondering around the fields in this weather, I’m sure they’ll get tired of looking for us before we freeze,” Shay hoped that she sounded more confident than she felt. She was responsible for putting Larissa in danger, and she knew she had to take care of her now.  Still, Shay had some comfort knowing that Grace was far enough away by now that Jacobs wouldn’t be able to catch up with her and it wouldn’t take more than another ten or fifteen minutes before the Norton’s arrived at the Halliwell’s.

“How about hiding in the old chicken coop?” Larissa said, tugging on her thick snow pants. “It hasn’t had chickens in it while we’ve lived here, but it was built to keep them warm so the sides of the building might have insulation. We might be okay in there.”

Shay shook her head as she zipped up the coat. “Larissa, you amaze me. When did you grow this mighty brain?”

Larissa beamed at Shay. “You see, I’m worth having around, aren’t I!” she exclaimed.

“You bet you are,” Shay smiled back. “I just have to get some boots on here and I’m ready.”

Shay turned toward the mud room door just as it opened. Her heart skipped a beat in shock as she made out the dark form of Tom Jacobs slowly stepping into the room.

“Well, well, well. You had to go and add another one for me to get rid of,” he said, pointing his flashlight at Larissa. “You are no end of trouble, kid, you know that?” He was panting heavily and his voice was strained.

Despite his anger, Jacob’s face was slack and his eyes were glazed, so Shay knew she’d been right, he’d stopped his search for her long enough to smoke some dope. Shay’s jaw quivered and her knees almost buckled. “Run Larissa,” Shay hissed, but the younger girl stood as if rooted in place from fear. Shay reached out to take Larissa’s hand. She realized that even if she could move fast enough, it was too late to hide now.

“I should just shoot you both here and get it over with, but that’s too messy. We can get you both in Barb’s boat and the lake will do the trick,” Jacob’s said. “No mess and nothing to trace back to me this time.”

Jacobs pointed his gun at Shay. “You’ve got two seconds to start walking out the door.”

“Just leave us Mr. Jacobs, please,” Shay pleaded. “You won’t get away with all of this now, it’s too late.”

“Quit stalling,” the man shouted. He seemed unsteady on his feet, but the gun looked firm enough in his hand.

“Grace Norton knows about you and she’s gone to get her parents. You can’t get away with this any longer. If we go missing, everyone will know that you did something to us.”

Jacobs glared at Shay. “Don’t give me no bullshit girl, there’s no one coming to save you. Who cares about a couple of foster kids.”

“Yes, there is too someone coming!” Larissa almost shouted. “Grace knows about everything and her parents know by now, too. You can’t get away with killing us–it’s too late.”

“Well, that does change things a bit, doesn’t it,” Jacobs said slowly. “I guess instead of killing you, I’ll have to take you as hostages till I can get out of Proctor.”

“How are you going to do that? And where would you go?” Shay asked. “The Norton’s will call the police and they’ll find you.”

“Oh, no, they won’t find me,” Jacobs said. “I’ve been crawling all over these mountains since I was younger than you two. I know where every hunter’s cabin is on this side of the mountain. All I’ve got to do is get to a cabin before the police get here. With you two with me I can rest assured that I got something to trade if things go bad.”

“Are you crazy?” Even as she said it, Shay knew that it was true. Tom Jacobs wasn’t sane. A lifetime of drinking and taking drugs had left him with few reasoning skills, and she knew he couldn’t think beyond the next few minutes.

“What about Barbara and Ginger?” Shay asked, trying to stall the man. “Are you just going to leave them?”

“I was going to drown Ginger with you anyway, and I don’t give a rat’s ass about Barb. She can take care of herself,” Jacobs replied as he shoved the gun muzzle closer to Shay’s face. “Get moving!”

Shay looked at the boots and quickly grabbed a pair. As she put them on she realized they were Jolene’s steel toe work boots that the foster mother wore when she was working in the barn. They were heavy and would hurt, but Shay knew Jacob’s wasn’t going to give her time to find others. The sharp pains in her feet intensified from the pressure of the boots against her raw, thawing skin, but she stayed silent and only grimaced. She knew Jacobs wouldn’t hesitate to shoot her if she did anything he didn’t like. He was stupid, stoned and angry, and Shay knew that was a deadly combination.

“Get ahead of me and walk down the road. My car’s at the bottom of the fence,” Jacobs said. “Don’t try anything because I don’t have a lot to lose.”

Chapter Twelve

Valuable Lessons

The girls walked out of the mud room and into the darkness of the snow-filled night. Shay took Larissa’s hand and squeezed it to reassure the frightened girl but Larissa surprised her by pulling her hand away and putting her arm around Shay to support her as she walked.

“Its okay, Shay,” Larissa said. “I can help you walk.”

“Shut up!,” Jacobs yelled through the blowing snow.

Shay’s eyes filled with tears, not from the wind, but from the kindness of Larissa. The younger girl was full of strength and goodness that no one would ever know about unless Shay could save her.  But she couldn’t think of anything to do, and Shay was quickly losing hope that the Norton’s would find them in time. She knew that Grace’s parents would first go the Halliwell’s place and spend some time looking for the girls there. By the time they figured out the girls were gone, it would be too late. Jacobs would have them halfway up a mountain road where they’d either die from the weather, or Jacobs would shoot them. Shay could see Jacob’s old, battered car at the bottom of the road. It waited like a beast ready to devour her and Larissa. Shay knew that Jacobs wouldn’t take the chance of her getting out of the car again, he would do something to her before she got into the car and there would be nothing she could do to help Larissa.

Shay gulped at the cold air as fear threatened to over take her. She tried to calm her racing mind and focused on slowing her breathing. The distance between the girls and the car was getting smaller and smaller. Shay could feel Larissa’s arm around her back, holding her in both support and fear.

Suddenly, a memory forced itself into Shay’s terrified mind. It was her father flushing drugs down the toilet while the police were banging in the front door of their dilapidated rented house.

“What are you doing, you fool?” her mother had screamed at him. “They’ve got guns, just give up!”

Her father ignored the noise and didn’t looked up or stop flushing the drugs till the police slammed into the bathroom, guns pointing at the back of his head, and ordered him to stop. He’d finally looked up and noticed Shay, small and terrified, curled up beside the bath tub. He’d winked at Shay and smiled as the police roughly put the handcuffs on his thick wrists.

“I never give up kid,” he’d said to her. “You can learn that much from me, eh? Never give up!” And his desperate flushing had worked as the most incriminating drugs were gone, leaving the police with only enough evidence to charge him with possession.

You’re right, Shay thought. I can learn that much from you.

Shay squeezed Larissa’s hand to steady herself and then in one fluid motion she turned and kicked out with her half frozen foot, catching Jacobs in the shin with Jolene’s hard toed boots.

“Oh shit,” Jacobs cried out and bent over to rub at his shin.  Larissa saw her chance and didn’t hesitate: she moved quickly, kicking at his other leg as Jacobs lost his footing and began flinging his arms wildly, trying in vain to stay on his feet. The gun went off in the air as he landed hard on the snow covered ice, and the weapon fell out of the man’s hand and landed in the snow.  Shay kicked again at the fallen figure, this time aiming for his kidneys through his thick coat. Jacobs swore again and squirmed forward, trying to find his gun in the snow.

“Get the gun,” Shay yelled at Larissa as she kicked again at the fallen Jacobs.

Larissa moved quickly around the man’s head and kicked the gun out his reach then kicked it again and again till it was deep in the snow bank at the side of the road. She ran back to Shay who was still kicking at Jacobs as he tried to grab Shay’s legs.

“Get his arms!” Shay yelled.

Larissa jumped on his arms and slammed one foot into his shoulder and one on his hand, letting her full weight pin his movements.

“Get off me!” he cried. “You’re going to break my shoulder you little bitch!”

Shay kicked hard again at the man’s back. As he rolled toward her she put her heavy boot on his other shoulder, pinning him to the frozen ground. Jacobs tried to move, but the girls had him down. He kicked up with his legs, but a lifetime of drugs and unhealthy living had robbed him of energy and strength. As the cold silently gripped him, Jacobs became visibly weaker.

“Get snow on him,” Shay said to Larissa. “We have to get him as cold as we can, so he can’t do anything.”

Larissa nodded as she reached down and pulled the cap off Jacob’s and then piled snow around his scalp and on his face.

“You’re going to kill me!” he said weakly, trying to shake off the snow. “I’m going to freeze to death.”

Shay didn’t want him to die, but she didn’t have any other way to keep him down. The cold that had been her enemy only moments before was now going to be her salvation.

Shay dimly heard the honking of a truck’s horn and looked up to see headlights blazing through the snow. The Norton’s had arrived. It was over, and she and Larissa were still alive!

Chapter Thirteen

Consequences

     It hadn’t take Mr. Norton long to tie Tom Jacobs up in the tractor shed. The police arrived a half an hour after Mr. Norton and took over the investigation. It took the Halliwells another two hours to drive out from town and to convince the ferry captain to risk the trip on the wind chopped lake.

Mrs. Norton had driven over with her husband and as soon as she was sure that the girls had not been harmed by Jacobs, she made Shay get in a warm bath to take care of her frostbite. Mr. Norton gave Shay some medication to help her cope with the pain that was winding its way from her toes up her legs, as the warm bath water began to get her blood circulating properly through her lower body.

As Shay bathed, Mrs. Norton talked with Grace and Larissa in the hallway outside the bathroom.

“I don’t know what you girls were thinking!” she said repeatedly. “You’ve spent the last few weeks lying to us all and not reporting a serious crime, and to top it off you almost got yourselves killed by that crazy man. Shay was almost frozen to death in the storm! Grace Norton you are grounded till you’re seventeen, and Larissa,” she said pointing at the shaking young girl, “you can be sure that Jolene will have something to say to you and Shay about all this sneaking around.”

The Constable who had arrested Jacobs called for back up and more police soon found Barbara Gillies and arrested her. It was another hour still before the Constable at the house was informed that Ginger had been located and was alive, safe and talking. So far, she had verified everything that Shay, Grace, and Larissa had told the police.

“You have to protect Ginger,” Shay pleaded with the Constable. “Her dad will hurt her when he finds out about the pictures. It might be the same for Sharon.”

The Constable had called Child Protection and although Shay wasn’t sure what was going to be done, she knew that Ginger and Sharon would be protected for now. Once the Halliwells arrived, Mr. and Mrs. Norton had taken Grace home immediately, without giving the three girls any time to say good bye.

Finally, the last of the police left the house. Sue Osner, the social worker, had called three times and made it clear that while she couldn’t get to the Halliwell’s tonight in the snowstorm, her only decision would be whether to move Shay and Larissa to the first available home right away, or wait till she found a suitable placement.

“I don’t even know what to say to you girls,” said Jolene as she sat with them in the living room after Dave had gone to bed.

Shay and Larissa sat on the fire-heated floor beside the wood stove, sipping at their hot chocolate. Even the warmth of the fire and the quilts wrapped around their shoulders didn’t seem enough to completely get rid of the chill that had settled in them. Shay’s toes still hurt but Jolene had given Shay a pair of warm woollen socks to put on and the pain medication was keeping the worst of it at bay.

“There’s going to be you know what to pay after your social workers get the whole story tomorrow,” Jolene shook her head. “I don’t know what your grandparents are going to say about all this, Larissa.”  Shay could see the hurt in Jolene’s expression as she had listened to all that her foster children had been doing behind her back.

“I’m so sorry we lied to you” Shay said truthfully. “I just couldn’t stand to lose the horses.”

“The horses!” Jolene almost spat out the tea she had just sipped. “You knew there were other girls in danger who were doing things that were bad and illegal, but you didn’t have the sense to tell anyone like you should have! And worse yet, you put yourselves in the way of a bunch of crazy criminals who would have killed you if they’d had another chance.”

“We were both raised by criminals,” Larissa said softly. “It’s just not that big a deal to us.”

Shay stared for a moment at Larissa and then she looked at Jolene who sat silent. “She’s right, Jolene,” Shay said at last. “We might as well be from a different planet than you and the Norton’s. Being in foster care isn’t a reward, you know. We end up here because kids like us are raised around all kinds of stuff that people like you never see in your whole life.  We watched our own parents and the other adults do things that were illegal and sometimes horrible. And we grew up learning to keep secrets and to not trust adults. That’s just the way life is for kids like us. We knew what we should have done, but it just wasn’t as important as saving the horses… because if we lost them, that would just be the beginning of losing everything, and we’d never, ever have anything good in our lives again. It would just all go away, like all the good things always do.”

Jolene still said nothing. Her silence bothered Shay more than any words could have done.

“I know you’re going to move me now. I’ll have to go live somewhere else,” Shay pulled the quilt tightly around her, needing all the pretence of security it allowed. “I just hope you’ll let Larissa stay here. She just followed me, she didn’t mean to do anything wrong.”

Jolene finally put her tea cup down, then stood up and walked over to where Shay sat by the burning wood stove. “Stand up girl,” she said. Shay stood up slowly. Jolene stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Shay. “I know you don’t like to be touched, but this time you’re going to stand there and let me hug you,” she said. Shay stood still, struggling stubbornly against the tears that threatened to fall, unwanted, down her cheeks. Jolene pulled back and looked at Shay. “Neither of you are going anywhere if I can help it,” she said, stroking Shay’s long hair. “I don’t care what planet you girls started life on, you’re on my planet now, and you’re staying here.”

“Do you mean that, Jolene?” Larissa asked as she hopped up from the floor, half dropping her quilt from excitement. “Can we stay? Both of us? Because I don’t want to lose Shay.”

“I won’t lie to you girls, we’re going to have a fight on our hands,” Jolene said honestly as she stroked Shay’s hair. “Dave and I aren’t going to look too good to the social workers and they’ve got every right to think they should move you both to some foster home that can watch you better than we did. And I don’t know what I can say to them about that. After all, we didn’t have a clue about what you girls were up to. But then, neither did the Norton’s, so if we give a good argument, I think that maybe they’ll let you stay. Anyway,” Jolene said with a smile, “let’s be honest here. Where else are they going to put two girls who break up porn rings and take down a grown man who has a gun?”

Shay tried to say thank you but she couldn’t get a sound out; her voice felt trapped in her throat. She stepped back from Jolene’s embrace and looked at the floor. “Thank you,” she managed to whisper.

Jolene smiled and nodded. “Time for bed,” she said. “The police want to question you both some more in the morning. Shay, after we get you and those toes to a doctor, you girls can bet we’ll have social workers and news paper reporters here all day, so we need to be ready and alert. I’m going to have to see what baking I have in the freezer because all those people are going to want to eat.”

Shay limped toward the stairs. It was hard for her to really grasp that Jolene was going to try to keep her. As she trailed up the stairs behind Larissa, trying not to step on the bottom of the quilt that dragged on the floor behind the younger girl, Shay could feel her tense muscles starting to relax.

“Maybe I’ll finally belong somewhere,” she said quietly.

“What did you say?” Larissa asked.

“Oh, nothing,” Shay said. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”

Shay listened to the noises that Larissa made as she burrowed under her covers and wiggled about on the bunk above. The very sounds that had annoyed Shay so much only a few weeks before, now gave her a feeling of comfort. Best of all, she knew that Jolene would keep her word and would fight with the social workers to let the girls stay with her and Dave.

It wasn’t quite like having a real family, Shay thought. But maybe, just maybe, her life was now and forever more than good enough.

I’ve had a lot of parents ask me about disengaging. I start talking to them about backing off right from the first session, but I’ve found that parents often fear that the child will feel rejected if the parent doesn’t engage all the time, and, they also still have hope that the child’s behaviors will change as soon as they find the right therapist/therapy/medication/herb or whatever. It takes a journey through a long and twisty emotional process before most Hazardous Parents understand that accepting who the child is right now is not the same as giving up.

So, what is disengaging? When I use the term, I mean the act of not getting involved in lectures, or in arguments, or in yelling, or in conversations that you know will lead to conflict. It’s hard for parents, early on in the Hazardous Parenting years, to grasp that their child will not learn or change from the good parental advice. It’s also hard to not respond when the child says things that are rude or foul or mean. It’s natural to want to defend or correct or consequence. Still, it’s one of the skills that Hazardous Parents need to develop if they are going to survive the hard years ahead of them.

Disengaging doesn’t include pulling back on the good times. If the child is having a good moment then jump right in and be fully engaged – have fun when you can, have a moment of positive emotional connection when you can. If it’s good, then wallow in it so that you have something to carry you over when the next bad moment arrives.

Disengaging is really about protecting the parent and about preserving your energy for the long haul. You want to be there, alive and healthy, not dead from stress, when your child grows up and has enough distance from the early trauma, enough brain development, enough of the strong base and positive opportunities you provided during the growing years, to finally have a decent relationship with you.

So, take care of yourself as best you can today. 

By the way – I started a new facebook page its called Hazardous Parenting (of course) and every day I’m adding a parenting survival tip – I hope folks will interact on this page and use it as a support and networking site. Ask questions, comment, add parenting survival tips of your own.

Here’s some more of Shay James. 

Chapter Eight

A Mystery Man

Larissa wasn’t happy when she found out that she had to stay home while Shay and Grace got to go to town, but Jolene had been firm that no twelve year old in her care was going to town on a Friday night. Shay was secretly pleased that the twelve year old wouldn’t be hanging around on her first real night out. Shay liked Larissa a lot, but the two year age difference couldn’t be ignored in all situations, and going to town at night with a friend was one of those. Larissa was determined to be as much a part of this new excitement as she could, so hung around while Shay and Grace tried on clothes and make up and did each other’s hair a dozen different ways before they were satisfied with how they looked.

“You promise you’ll tell me everything the minute you get home, right?” Larissa pleaded with Shay. “I don’t want you guys to start leaving me out of things.”

“I don’t think there will be much to tell, Larissa. We’re only going to a movie and maybe half an hour at the Club.” Shay tried to downplay her own excitement at the evening that lay ahead and added, “I’ll tell you all about it, I promise.”

Shay was surprised to find herself enjoying the drive into town with Grace’s parents. She wasn’t really used to parents who didn’t swear and who included their kids in the conversations. Dave and Jolene never swore, but Shay knew that foster parents had to behave better than regular parents because taking care of kids was a job they were paid to do. It wasn’t like having real parents, like the Norton’s, who seemed to really care about their kids. Shay liked the easy way the Norton’s talked to her and Grace, and the way they managed to find so much to laugh about with each other. She was almost sorry to leave them when they dropped the two girls off at the movie theatre. Shay and Grace waved good bye and then went straight into the building, hoping to see more kids their own age at the theatre. They spotted some other teens they knew from school in the ticket line, and at Grace’s instigation they joined the teens and all went into the movie together. Shay sat in the darkened theatre, slowly eating her buttered popcorn, lost in her thoughts.  Right now, at this moment, Shay just couldn’t believe how great her life was going. The fear that it would all slip away was still there, but trying to find out who hurt Mr. Fletcher had diverted her from the worry, and had helped her to focus on the positive things that were happening in her life. Things like this movie, and knowing that other teens liked her, and the luxurious feeling that she was safe.

When the movie ended the whole group headed over to the Club, trying not to slip on the icy sidewalk while they giggled and shoved each other along. Shay and Grace were only going to have an hour before Grace’s parents picked them up and the two girls wanted to make the most of it. The Club was located about three blocks from the movie theatre, closer to the lake and nearer to the old railroad station.

“This is great,” Grace said as they passed one of the youth pastors who did the security check at the door. Shay had to strain to hear Grace over the music and the loud rumble of voices and she soon lost sight of the other girls they had walked over with.

“Where will we sit? Do you know anyone? Do I look okay?” The questions tumbled out of Grace as she looked eagerly around the slightly darkened room.

Shay noticed that there were tables and chairs placed in two rings around the middle of the building. This created an inner circle which served as a dance floor, and the teens who weren’t dancing roamed from table to table, laughing and talking with each other. Above her head, an old style disco ball glittered and shone on the dancers below. From somewhere else on the ceiling, coloured strobe lights filled the room with rotating shades of red, blue, and green. Shay couldn’t tell where the music was coming from, but it was loud and it made it her feel happy and bouncy just listening to it.

“Hey,” Grace said, nudging Shay in the side with her elbow. “I asked you a bunch of questions. How do I look?”

“Sorry. You look fine and this place is really great!” Shay replied.    Grace was wearing the lowest cut jeans she could get her mother to buy and she had pulled them down even further after they left the movie theatre. Shay knew she couldn’t dress as well as Grace, not with the small clothing allowance that foster kids were given. But she had to give her foster mother credit, because Jolene was a real bargain hunter and had managed to get Shay a good pair of jeans at the after Christmas sales so she wouldn’t be totally embarrassed by her small wardrobe.  Shay swallowed her feelings of insecurity and tried to look confident.

“Oh look, there’s Terrah Anne and the rest of her group!” Grace waved at the girls they had watched the movie with. Several girls smiled and waved back, signalling for Grace and Shay to come over and sit with them. The two girls made their way across the large room, manoeuvring around the teens who were dancing. Shay expected to be mostly ignored by the group, but to her surprise, the others made room for her and happily talked with her as if they had known her forever. It was because she was with Grace, Shay knew, but that was okay. It felt great to be included with a group of teens.  To Shay’s surprise, she soon found that guys were asking her to dance and were grabbing her hand and pulling her the dance floor.

Shay loved every second of it.  She had expected to feel awkward dancing in front of people instead of her mirror at home, but she found that the dance floor was so crowded she could barely move, except to shake up and down and jump around, and so she felt safe and free to enjoy herself. Shay even had fleeting moments where she almost glowed with the sense of belonging, however temporarily, to a group of normal kids.

All too soon, an hour was up and Grace was pulling at Shay’s arm to get her attention. “We have to leave now, my parents will be here soon and I don’t want them to come in to get us. Wouldn’t that be just about the most horrible thing you can possibly imagine? I would absolutely have to die on the spot if they did that!”

Shay laughed at the dramatic statement, but a part of her agreed, so she grabbed her coat and shouted good bye to everyone. Someone shouted back that they would see her Monday, and one of the guys, Braden Wilcox, said something about hanging out with her at lunch next week. Before she could answer, Grace tugged her toward the door. Shay was thankful; she had a great time flirting, but she wasn’t ready for a boyfriend.

Grace pushed the door open and the winter chill hit them both full in the face. Their sweat covered bodies shivered as their inner temperatures slowly adjusted to the weather outside. Shay pulled her scarf around her neck and reached into her pocket for her thick gloves. As she pulled them on, she looked around to see who else was outside the building. When they arrived at the Club, Shay noticed that some of the teens braved the winter night to stand outside and smoke, while others stood around waiting to get picked up by parents or someone else.

As she glanced around the large parking lot, Shay thought she noticed a familiar face. “Hey,” Shay nudged Grace. “Look over there.” She pointed toward the far end of the parking lot where two figures stood talking near a street light. “Isn’t that Ginger?”

Grace, about three inches shorter than Shay, stood on her tip toes so that she could see over the frost covered hoods of the cars. “Yup, it is. Who’s she talking to?”

“I don’t know. Some man–kind of hard to tell with his snow gear–but he must be an adult,” Shay replied.

“How can you tell from here that he’s an adult and a guy?”

“You’re supposed to be the budding medical student, you should at least be able to tell the difference between men and women,” Shay giggled, and then got more serious. “It’s just the way he’s standing somehow, and he’s not dressed like any teens that I’ve ever seen. That coat is way out of style, and so is his hat. Nobody would dress like that except an adult, and I don’t think most adults would want to be seen in clothes like that.”

“Yeah, he’s got his hat flaps pulled down over his ears and no teen would do that, either. You’re right, he must be an adult. Do you think it’s the picture guy?” Grace asked excitedly. Just then, Grace’s parents drove up in their SUV and stopped right in front of the girls, blocking their view of Ginger and the mystery man. Grace pulled open the back door and the two girls scrambled into the second row of seats.

“How was your evening, girls?” Grace’s father asked as he drove slowly out of the parking lot, careful not to let the car slide onto the icy parts of the paved parking lot.

”It was great, dad,” Grace replied.

”We had a lot of fun. Thanks for driving me,” Shay added.

”Oh, not a problem, dear,” Grace’s mother said. “By the way, what were you two girls looking at so intently when we pulled up?”

“Nothing in particular,” Grace answered, “we were just watching a couple of the kids we know. I guess we were just being nosey.”

“Well, you shouldn’t be too nosey,” Mrs. Norton said, ”it isn’t polite. I’m glad you had a good time. You were both very responsible with the time limits this evening, so maybe the next time we come to town for dinner on a weekend, you can go to the teen Club again. I guess you’re at an age where you’re going to want to go out more. After all, you are growing up.”

A broad smile filled Grace’s face. “You witnessed that, right Shay? My mother acknowledged that I, Grace Norton, am growing up! Did you hear that too, dad? You have to stand by what you just said, mom, no going back. I have witnesses!”

Mr. Norton laughed and Shay broke out in a fit of giggles.

“My goodness Shay,” Mrs. Norton said smiling, “I don’t often hear you laugh like that. You should do it more often. You have a very pretty laugh, my dear.”

And suddenly, Shay knew that was true. She knew that she had a pretty laugh, and a pretty face, and even some friends, and right now, she was having a pretty good life.

Chapter Nine

Following Suspicions

The next day seemed as if it would last forever. Grace called earlier to say she was going out of town with her parents to a family wedding and she wouldn’t be back until tomorrow. Without Grace to hang out with, or the horses to ride and care for, there was nothing for Shay or Larissa to do except watch the boring DVD’s that the Halliwells allowed and to re-clean their already clean bedroom. Larissa, always eager to be around food, helped Jolene bake a pie for dessert and then make some cookies for lunches the following week. Shay declined Jolene’s offer to get involved in the baking. She was depressed and moody, and baking with her foster mother seemed too much like playing at being a real mother and daughter. The last thing Shay wanted to do in this mood was pretend to be a part of something that would never happen.

Worse yet, she had too much time to think, and she began to realize that the Girls Detective Club was never going to solve this or any other mystery. She knew that the three girls had gone as far with this as they could. Something had to be done about the pictures and it had to be done soon.

The weekend dragged on but Monday finally arrived and Shay was glad to be back at school. She kept an eye out for Ginger and Sharon but she only saw them in the halls between classes a few times and nothing seemed amiss with either of them. It was hard for Shay not stare at the older teens, but she did her best to look nonchalant each time they passed. It was a good day though; lots of kids that she had talked to at the movie and the Club said hi to her, and although she was relieved that Braden didn’t try to sit with her at lunch, she was still secretly pleased when he said hi and smiled at her in math class and again in socials.

Finally, the day ended and Grace and Shay almost ran to the school bus, both wanting to talk about what to do next.

“We’ve got to get together and decide what to do about the camera,” Grace said quietly to Shay as they sat in the seats at the back row of the bus. Larissa bounced into the seat in front of them just as the bus pulled away from the curb. The bus jolted as the driver clumsily shifted gears and Larissa grabbed at the back of the seat to get her balance.

“So what are you guys talking about? Are we going to have a meeting again?” Larissa asked as she righted herself on the seat.

“Shhh,” Shay said. “Yes, we are, but you don’t have to announce it. Ginger’s on this bus too, if you remember.”

Larissa turned around to look. Ginger sat near the middle of the bus, an iPod plugged into her ears and her head bobbing back and forth to some music.

“She almost never rides the bus. I’m sure she goes to town after school and then rides home with her mom when she gets off work,” Grace said.

“Yeah, this is weird,” Shay said. “Well, we can’t exactly ask her why she’s on the bus. And we can’t keep whispering either or everyone will start looking at us.”

“Oh right, we can’t look suspicious,” Larissa said a little too loud and then turned around to face the front. A moment later, she turned back again and said “If you guys decide to have a meeting, let me know, okay?”

Shay gave her the thumbs up and waited till Larissa turned back to the front. “We have to come up with a plan, you know,” she said to Grace, keeping her voice as low as she could without whispering. “We can’t keep this camera forever and we can’t keep quiet about Ginger and Sharon any longer. Someone has to know about what’s going on and deal with it, even if it wrecks our investigation.”

“I know,” Grace said. “I kept thinking that something would happen and we’d have the next step, but it’s been too long. We’re getting nowhere.”

“We’re going to be the one’s in trouble now, for sure,” Shay said. “We’ve known about a really bad thing and we kept it a secret. My social worker will flip out, and the Halliwells are never going to trust me again.” Shay knew only too well that once trust was lost, it was gone for good.

“Well, they might be mad at you for a while, but they’re nice people. They aren’t going to do anything awful to you,” Grace said.

“No, they won’t beat me or anything, but they won’t ever trust me again, and they might have me moved to a new foster home,” Shay said dejectedly. “Or even if they don’t ask to have me moved my social worker might do it anyway.”

“Why would they move you to another place?” Grace was alarmed.

“Because that’s what happens to foster kids. If you do anything people don’t like, they just move you to some other foster home,” Shay answered.

“I don’t understand…why would they move you just because we kept the camera for a few days?” Grace asked

“That’s only one reason, Grace. The other reason would be because we went back to the barn when we weren’t supposed to, so they’ll know they can’t trust me and that I lied to them,” Shay sighed. “I knew all this could happen. It just seemed more important at the time to save the horses. I guess I was destined to lose everything no matter what,” Shay said.

“What about Larissa?” Grace whispered as quietly as she could, so that Larissa couldn’t hear her. “What will happen to her? Will they move her to another foster home too?”

“They might keep Larissa because she’s still young and they’ll know she was just doing what we said. But I’ll be gone, that’s for sure,” Shay turned her head towards the window and bit her lip to keep the tears from falling.

“Well, we can’t let that happen. I don’t want to lose my best friend! We have to get the camera to the police without anyone knowing we had it,” Grace said with determination. “I know what we can do. We can mail it to them.”

That was such a simple solution. Shay couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought of it herself. “Okay,” she nodded, almost too relieved to talk.  After a minute she found her voice and said, “But what do we do about solving the mystery? This doesn’t help us find the person who hurt Mr. Fletcher, and that means Fletcher will still sell the horses.”

“I know,” Grace said. “I think about this all the time, but I can’t come up with anyway to solve this case. So much for my brilliant and logical mind,” she sighed

“Well, I guess at least we’ll know we did the right thing for Ginger and Sharon–not that they’d ever appreciate it if they knew,” Shay said. I can live with losing the horses, Shay thought. I know how to lose everything that matters to me.

The girls sat back, both of them in a funk, both silent in their thoughts. Shay looked out the window at the deep, green lake as the bus rolled along the highway towards the Proctor ferry. She loved the way the lake changed from a deep summer blue to a dark, rich green colour in the winter months. It almost looked like velvet ribbon that was caught at the bottom of the two mountain ranges and it gave her a sense of peace and stability, even when the storms came and the winds sent the waves the pounding onto the beach. It was still the same lake, no matter what home or town she lived in. It’s the only thing in my life that changes without hurting me, Shay thought.

The bus driver drove the long vehicle onto the small ferry and some of the kids, including Shay, Grace and Larissa got out of the bus. Shay and Grace and Larissa went to the railing and Shay looked again into the deep green of the water that churned up from the ferry’s propellers.

“Hey,” Larissa said suddenly. “Look at Ginger.”

The other two glanced casually over at the older teen, trying not to be conspicuous.

“She’s got her books and her backpack,” Grace said loudly, forgetting her attempt to be discreet. “She’s going to get off the ferry at the landing!”

“Why would she do that?” Larissa almost shouted.

“Shhhh,” Shay said to both of them. “She isn’t walking home from here. It’s too far to her house. Do you think she’s going back to the barn?”

“That’s exactly what I think,” Grace said, nodding her head vigorously. “But why would she risk it when she knows that someone knows about the photo sessions?”

“Maybe she’s going to look to see if she left anything in the barn,” Shay said. “Maybe she’s looking for the camera. The man who took the pictures is probably the same guy who hit Mr. Fletcher, and he’s probably pretty scared by now.”

“What are we going to do about this?” Larissa asked.

The ferry was almost at the landing and the kids started to get back on the bus. Shay, Grace and Larissa scrambled on and went to their seats, all the while craning their necks to see what direction Ginger took after she walked off the ferry.

“Look,” Shay said excitedly to the others, “she’s taking my route to the barn. That path only leads to Fletcher’s place in the winter, so that’s for sure where she’s going.”

“What are we going to do now?” Grace asked.

“I don’t know, I have to think,” Shay answered. “We can’t get off the bus. Jolene and your parents would be looking for us right away if we didn’t get home on time and they’d go straight to the barn and I don’t know now we’d explain what we were doing there, especially if there’s a bunch of other people there as well,” she said to Grace. “And I can’t say I have to go to your house for homework because she won’t let me do that unless Dave drives me because Jolene thinks it’s too cold out this time of year for us to be outside much at all,” Shay let out a grunt of frustration. Why do I finally have to live with people who take care of me just when I actually need some freedom?

“Well, as always with this mystery, we’re out of luck,” Grace said. “We just have to go with our plan to mail the camera and forget about it all.”

They had arrived at the end of the Halliwell’s road and the driver pulled the bus over to the stop and set the flashers going. Shay and Larissa got off the bus and started walking slowly up the long driveway. The frozen snow made a crunching sound under their feet and filled in the quiet.

“Did you and Grace decide to give up?” Larissa said finally, breaking the heavy silence.

“Yup,” Shay answered, “there isn’t any choice. We can’t think of anything else to do, so we’re going to mail the camera to the police and hope for the best.”

“Well, I don’t agree with this decision at all. I thought we were going to solve the mystery and save the horses,” Larissa said. “This isn’t fair. The horses will get sold and we’ll be the losers again, just like always.”

“I know,” Shay began, and then held up her hand and stopped Larissa in her tracks. “Look at the house,” she said. “There aren’t any lights!” The girls had been so intent on their conversation that they only just noticed that the house, usually well lit to welcome them home and shine their way into the warmth of the kitchen, was dark.

“Oh,” exclaimed Larissa, “you’re right. What’s going on? Something must be wrong!  Jolene’s always there with the lights on for us.”

“I’ll go first, you follow close behind me,” Shay said as they kicked off their boots in the enclosed porch. Shay slowly entered the large kitchen, usually full of the smells of dinner and baking, but now quiet and still. Shay flipped the light switch and immediately saw the note on the kitchen table.

“What does it say?” asked Larissa, trying to read over Shay’s shoulder.

Shay picked it up and read,

Shay and Larissa –

Dave was hurt at work and is at the hospital. He broke his wrist and has to have a cast put on. I will drive him home later tonight.  Don’t worry – he will be okay. Take a pizza from the freezer and microwave it for supper. Make sure you have some milk and fruit and get a couple of cupcakes out of the freezer for your dessert.  If you have an emergency call Mrs. Norton. Don’t go out in the cold. 

Love, Jolene

“Wow, that’s really awful!” Shay said.

“Do you think he’s hurt very badly?” Larissa asked, her voice quivering.

“It can’t be all that bad if he’s coming home tonight,” Shay answered. “And Jolene said in the note that he’s okay. A broken wrist isn’t good, but it isn’t the worst that can happen in a mill accident, that’s for sure.”  Shay looked over at Larissa and saw tears in the younger girl’s eyes. She reached out and hugged Larissa. “He’ll be okay, Larissa.”

“I know, it’s just that I really like Dave and Jolene and I don’t like to think of them getting hurt,” she snuffled. “Besides, we’d have to move if he was badly hurt, and I don’t want that either!”

Shay gave a last squeeze of Larissa’s shoulders and then walked over to the box of tissues on the counter by the phone. “Here, catch,” she said as she tossed the box playfully at Larissa.

Larissa stood still as the box flew past her and dropped just behind her feet. “Hey,” she said, “you know what this means?”

“Yeah, it means that you can’t catch,” Shay grinned and went to the freezer to get the pizza for dinner.

“No, it means that we’re alone and no one will know if we go to Fletcher’s barn to see what Ginger’s doing!” Larissa said excitedly.

“You’re right!” Shay exclaimed, shutting the freezer and putting the frozen pizza on the table. “Except I’m going to the barn alone and you’re staying here.”

“No I’m not,” Larissa said hotly. “I’m part of the Detectives Club and I’m coming with you.”

“You’re part of the Detectives Club, but you’re not coming with me. It’s too cold for you to be outside,” Shay said softly. “I really like you, Larissa, you’re a good kid. If I had a real sister, I’d want her to be just like you.”

“You would?” Larissa responded with wide eyes. “You really like me?”

“Yup, I do,” Shay said, “and that means that I want to make sure you’re safe. It’s cold out there and it’s dark and you’re only twelve. So, you stay here and have dinner and I’ll be back before you know it. I’ll for sure be back before Jolene and Dave come home from the hospital so I don’t get caught. ”

“Promise me you’re just going to see what Ginger’s doing and come back,” Larissa said anxiously. “Nothing else!”

“That’s all I’m going to do. I’ll run down to the barn, see if she’s still there, and what’s going on. Then I’ll be right back, I promise,” Shay said. “Save me some pizza,” she called as she quickly put on her coat and boots and grabbed a small flashlight from the shelf.

Chapter Ten

Caught

Shay walked as quickly as she could along the slippery, snowy railroad tracks and onto the treed path that would take her to the back of Mr. Fletcher’s barn. She regretted not taking the time to get a bigger flashlight; the path was only barely visible and she had to be careful to find a safe footfall on the snow and ice covered ground. Shay didn’t want to sprain her ankle. It would take forever for anyone to find her and she didn’t even want to think about how much trouble she would be in if she was caught going to Fletcher’s barn. Still, Shay knew this was her last chance to do something that might save the horses and she wasn’t about to let this opportunity go by. Shay felt as everything in her life happened because somebody else made a decision about her. At least now she was making her own decisions and taking control of her life, even if it didn’t work out the way she wanted.

Shay trudged along the path, wrapping her woollen scarf around her face as she pulled her thick collar as far up her cheeks as it would go. The late day was still and settling in colder than she had expected, which could only mean that a snowstorm was imminent.  Shay shivered at thought of being caught outdoors in a snow fall; it would make it very hard to get home if there was a strong wind. The line of trees along the beach thinned and Shay came out into the open pasture on the far side of the barn. Through the dark she could just make out the silhouette of the barn and she headed toward the back side of it, hoping to sneak around and see if Ginger was still there. Shay walked slowly and carefully across the field, around the shrubs, and finally she reached the back of the barn. She could hear the movement of the few horses that were still outside in the front pasture, but there was another noise, and slight shreds of light filtered out through the old barn wall.

Shay crept along the side of the barn and came around the corner to the front of it. There were only two horses outside. The rest of the small herd, having sensed the oncoming snow storm, had retreated to the relative warmth of the barn. As Shay neared the barn door, she noticed that there was a car parked a few feet away. It looked old and battered and she thought she saw a crack across the front of the windshield. She knew she had seen the car around Proctor but she couldn’t recall who owned it.

She shut off her flashlight and with her back flat against the barn wall, Shay moved closer to the open barn doors. She chose her steps carefully, trying to prevent the crunching noise her boots made in the hard crusted snow. Shay could hear the voices better from this position. A man was yelling at someone and she could hear loud crying, too. The large barn door was only open part way, and Shay, wanting to get a look inside, crept to the inside of the door, hoping the dark outside and the dim light inside would not show her form as she moved slowly into the barn itself.

As far as Shay could tell, the voices were coming from the back of the barn, likely near the ladder to the loft. If she could get into the barn without being seen, she could hide in the shadows of the machinery at the front and from there she would be able hear and see whatever was going on. Shay suddenly heard something that sounded like a boat motor cutting through the frigid air.  The motor slowed to a stop amid the sound of lapping waves hitting the shore, and then a moment of silence, followed by a heavy thud and then the crunch of heavy feet stomping through the snow. She realized that a boat had landed on the beach and the driver was walking toward the barn. There was no time to think, Shay ran as lightly as she could to the machinery and slid down behind the big front tire of an old tractor. She knew the tractor didn’t fully conceal her, but as long as no one was looking in her direction, she could remain hidden in the shadows until they left.

A figure appeared in the doorway and the overhead lights went on. Fear made Shay’s heart beat so fast she thought it might pop out of her chest. She focused on her breathing, trying to calm her intake of air so that the no one would hear her.

“Hey,” she heard the man shout. “Kill the lights! We can see well enough with my flashlight.”

“What are you worried about?” a woman’s voice replied. “We’re too far from the main road to be seen and there weren’t any other boats on the lake when I came over. Even if anyone did notice a light, they’d assume you’re just here to feed the horses.”

Shay’s mouth dropped open in surprise. The man must be Tom Jacobs. No wonder he had offered to help with the horses.

Tom Jacobs walked to the front of the barn with Ginger trailing a few steps behind him. Shay couldn’t see them very well though the machinery, but she recognized Tom Jacobs as the man who was talking to Ginger outside of the Club. He had the same weird hat with the pulled down ear pieces. And, from the blond hair sticking out beneath the toque on the woman, Shay thought it must be Barbara Gillies, the woman in the pictures.

“How come you’re so late?” Tom asked. “We were supposed to meet here at four.”

“Yeah, well, I had to wait for one of my older boys to get home to take care of the girls. I can’t just leave them on their own, you know,” Barbara said.

“Right, after all, you are the Mother of the Year,” Tom said sarcastically. “Well, we’ve been here a while and we’ve already searched the loft. I can tell you there’s nothing up there. Whatever they found, they took it all.”

“Well how are we going to find out who has the camera?” Ginger was talking, and she was still crying slightly. “If my dad finds out about this, I’ll be dead for sure.”

“Your old man’s a drunk who doesn’t give a damn about what you do,” Tom said, cruelly.

“I know, but he’s a drunk with a fist, and it’ll be on me for this,” Ginger was crying even harder now. “How could you have dropped the camera? How could you get us into this mess?”

“Look kid, I didn’t force you to do this. And don’t blame me for dropping the camera. That was Barbara’s doing,” Tom was mad and almost shouting.

“Don’t blame me either! When you hit that old man I thought for sure you’d killed him. I just grabbed the lights and ran, like you said to do,” Barbara’s voice was shrill and edgy. Shay couldn’t tell if she was mad or afraid. “I thought I had the camera in my pocket.”

“Well, you didn’t have it in your pocket, did you,” Tom said. “And now we have to find out who has it and shut him up.”

“What do you mean by that?” Ginger asked.

A rush of fear-fuelled heat flooded Shay’s face.

“You might get beaten up by your dad, but bruises heal. It’s worse for Tom and me. We’ll go to jail. Tom’s already done a stretch and he isn’t interested in going back there again, and I’ll lose my kids to child protection and maybe even do some jail time myself,” Barbara said. “I’m not about to sit by and let that happen, I can tell you.” Barbara pulled off her gloves and put her hand in her pocket, pulling out a cigarette and lighter. She lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. As she exhaled, the smoke filled the air around Barbara’s head, like a grey halo.

“Come on, we’ll do another check of the loft. That’s where we were when the old guy came in and we had to clean up in a hurry. I don’t trust that you guys found everything, I want to look myself,” Barbara said. She headed toward the back of the barn, with the other two following.

As she reached the ladder, Tom said “I already told you, we’ve been up there and there’s nothing left. Whoever found our stuff took it all,”

“And I already said I don’t trust you two. Neither of you have a full set of brains,” Barbara said as she dropped her lit cigarette and crushed it out under her foot.

“You can spend all night here as far as I’m concerned but I’m leaving,” Tom said. “I sure as hell don’t want to be out when the snow starts, and you should get your butt back over to Balfour before the winds get any worse or you’ll be stuck on this side of the lake till tomorrow.”

“But how are we going to find out who has the camera?” Ginger wailed.  ‘”You don’t know what my dad will do to me if we get caught,” Ginger went on. “You just don’t understand how bad it will be for me.”

“Shut up!” Tom said sharply, and without warning, he raised his arm and hit Ginger fully in the face. She fell back a step and put her hand to her check, surprise and shock registering on her face.

“Oh” Shay exclaimed in alarm and she clamped her hand to her own mouth, as if she could magically take back the sound that had just escaped from her.

“What’s that? Who’s there?” Tom said as he turned toward Shay. He walked toward her, with Ginger following. “Hey Barb,” he shouted over his shoulder. “We have a visitor!”

Shay backed as far as she could against the wall, but there was no escaping Tom as he reached down and grabbed her shoulder. Shay could smell the odour of stale tobacco on his body and stale beer on his breath as his large, gnarled hand grasped Shay by the shoulder and yanked her roughly out from behind the tractor wheel. He looked skinny, even under his winter coat, but he moved so fast that it made up for his lack of strength. She could see his face, grey and drug hardened like her parents, and Shay knew immediately that there would be no kindness in a man like him.

“What have we got here?” Tom said. “A little snoop, I think.”

“I know her! She hangs out with that goody two shoes Grace Norton. I think she lives at the Halliwell’s,” Ginger said. “What are you doing hiding in the barn?”

“Yeah, what are you doing here, kid?” Tom Jacobs asked.

“I just came to see if the horses were okay,” Shay said shakily.

“Then why didn’t you just walk in,” Barbara asked. “You didn’t have any reason to hide,” she paused a moment and then a look of understanding came over her face, “unless you had some reason to spy on us.”

“Are you one of the regulars?” Tom asked.

Shay couldn’t think of any reason to deny this, so she nodded her head, too afraid to speak.

“And that means you were probably here on your own, after Fletcher was hit, and I bet you did some looking around, checking out the place,” he said.

“You found the camera didn’t you, kid,” Jacobs said, his low voice menacing and fearsome.

“Of course, that makes perfect sense!” Barbara Gillies smiled through her thin, lipstick coated lips.

“Are you the one who took the camera and left the note?” Ginger asked angrily. “Do you know how much trouble you’ve caused me?” She had stopped crying, but her eyes were moist and Shay could see a red welt forming on her cheek where Tom had hit her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Shay said, squeezing the words out through her fear.

Barbara had joined the group and she looked at Shay, staring into her eyes. “Yes you do, kid,” she said. “No point in lying to liars; you’ll get caught every time.”

“You have to let me go,” Shay said. “Jolene Halliwell will be looking for me! She knows I’m here.”

“No, she doesn’t,” Tom replied. “She’s in town. I saw her drive onto the ferry a few hours ago and I heard that Dave had an accident at work. She’ll be gone a few hours more, at least until eight o’clock or later.”

“I told you not to lie to us, kid,” Barbara said as she lit another cigarette. “So, what are we going to do with her?” Barbara said to Tom. “It was bad enough she has the camera, but now she knows you’re the one who hit old man Fletcher.”

Shay knew that if she was going to get away, it had to be now, while Jacobs and the woman were focused on each other. Hoping to take them by surprise, Shay twisted her shoulder and kicked, hitting Tom Jacobs squarely in the shin with the hard toe of her winter boot. He let go of his grip on her shoulder and Shay pushed Ginger out of the way and ran for the door. Before she could reach it, Barbara Gillies was fast behind her and she grabbed Shay’s arm and pulled hard, sending Shay to the ground.

Tom walked over to Shay and yanked her roughly back up on her feet. He turned her away from him, holding both of her arms roughly behind her back. “Jeez kid, now I’m going to put you where you can’t get away while we figure out what to do with you.” He pushed her toward the barn door.

“What are you going to do with her?” Ginger asked hysterically. “You aren’t going to hurt her are you?”

“She isn’t leaving us much choice,” Tom Jacobs answered harshly. “I think we might have to take her out in the boat and dump her in the middle of the lake. Nothing that goes into the lake in winter ever floats up again, especially if we tie a good size rock to her leg. That way there won’t be any tracing her back to us. She’s just a foster kid, isn’t she? Everyone will all just think she ran away. No one ever looks for those kids.”

“No,” Shay screamed and she twisted as hard as she could, but Tom was ready for her this time and his grip on her arms was firm. “The Halliwell’s know I wouldn’t run away, and my friends know that too. They’ll look for me,” Shay said, her voice was shaky from the terror she felt overtaking her body.

“Oh no,” Ginger cried out.  “You can’t do that! You can’t hurt her, she’s just a kid. Nothing like this was supposed to happen! You said it was just pictures, you never said anyone would get hurt!”

“Well, that changed when Fletcher caught us in the barn,” Tom snarled at Ginger. “Me and Barbara aren’t going to jail, and you don’t want to get beaten up by your old man, so the kid has to be shut up.”

“Let me GO!” Shay yelled as she stumbled along. The snow was falling heavily and the cold wind tore at her face. Tom Jacobs had her arms firmly bent behind her back and the pain was so intense she thought her arms would break.

Jacobs pushed Shay ahead of him, in the direction of his car. He pulled his keys from his pocket and opened the trunk. His rough hands padded against Shay’s side, feeling the coat pockets. Then he reached into the right pocket and pulled out her small flashlight.

“You won’t be using this any more,” he said and pushed Shay into the dark opening. She gasped from pain as she landed on her side and something hit the back of her head.  Jacobs grabbed her legs and shoved them in the trunk before she could kick at him.

Shay tried to look up at the man, but her tears blurred her vision so that all she could see was Jacob’s dark shape against the moon lit sky.

“Please don’t do this,” she begged. “Please, I won’t tell anyone,” Shay pleaded.

“Shut up, kid,” Jacobs replied heartlessly as he slammed the trunk lid down above Shay, cutting off all light.

“No!” Shay screamed into the darkness that surrounded her. The space was small and it stank of oil and filth. She couldn’t see anything; it was like being trapped in a grave. Shay kicked against the trunk lid and gasped for air through her sobs.  Shay felt the panic rising in her like a tidal wave, and knew it would engulf her mind and shut off all her senses, except fear.

“No,” Shay said again. She breathed in slowly, trying to control her panic, forcing herself to calm the sobbing. “I’ve survived creepier people than these stupid weirdos,” Shay said aloud, “and I can survive this, too.” As Shay began to feel more in control she found she could move around more and so she wriggled as much as she could to reduce her discomfort. There was very little room in the trunk and she couldn’t raise her head or stretch her legs. The bottom of the trunk underneath her was filled with junk that stuck painfully into her side through her thick jacket.

Shay moved her arms around, trying to get whatever she was laying on out from underneath her. Shay tugged and wriggled some more and pulled on an old blanket, stinking of oil. There was still something hard pushing into her ribs and she shoved and tugged and wiggled until she had the object in her hands. She pulled off her gloves so that she could get a better grip on it. Finally, she had a firm grip on the cold plastic and she yanked it out from underneath herself.

“A flashlight!” she cried out. It was a large flashlight and Shay felt around the handle until she found the on/off button and pressed but nothing happened. “Please work,” she prayed. “Please,” she said again as she pushed the button harder. Suddenly, the trunk was filled with light and Shay breathed a sigh of relief. The light didn’t make the space any larger, nor did it make her any safer, but it made her feel more in control and even a little bit hopeful. Something on the flashlight caught her attention and she brought it close to her face so she could see.

“Oh,” she aloud as she made out the letters M-A-R-I-N-E in yellow letters along a black stripe. It was the flashlight from the barn, and near the top of the light she could see some kind of dark substance. “Oh gross,” she said aloud again as she quickly moved it away from her face. Shay knew that the dark substance was dried blood and skin, probably from Mr. Fletcher’s head wound. It likely stuck to the light when Tom Jacobs hit Mr. Fletcher.

Seeing the evidence of Tim Jacob’s violence brought an even deeper level of fear to Shay. The panic threatened to swallow up her thoughts again and she had to force herself to re-focus on the task of getting out of the trunk. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

Shay directed the light toward the end of the trunk, near where the back lights would be located. When she was about ten years old, her father had told her how to check for a release handle in case she was ever kidnapped and locked in a car trunk. At the time, Shay had been mortified that her father considered that to be a good piece of fatherly advice. After all, she had thought, only the children of drug dealers needed to worry about being kidnapped and if he would just clean up his act, she wouldn’t be at risk. Well, she thought now, that just might turn out to be the most useful thing my father ever taught me.

She shone the light around until it landed on the trunk handle. It was near her feet and she had to almost roll herself into a ball and stretch her arm to grasp it, but finally she was able to wrap her fingers around the handle and pull. The trunk popped open and Shay crawled out quickly. She peered around the trunk lid to see if anyone in the barn was looking her way, then she pushed the lid down quietly so that they wouldn’t immediately notice that she was gone if they looked out of the barn.

Shay switched the flashlight off, pulling on her gloves while running as quickly as she could down the road. The snow had started to fall during the few minutes she was in the trunk and now the wind was blowing so hard she could barely see one step ahead. She got about twenty feet and stopped as she realized that with the weather this bad, the ferry would be docked at the night landing on the other side of the lake, and no one would be driving on or off. There would be no help from that direction. The few houses that ran along the beach on either side of the ferry landing were empty summer cottages. She knew she could easily break into one of them, but it was well known in the community that most of the cottage owners had installed loud security alarms that would go off if the property was breached, and that kind of noise would quickly alert Jacobs to her location. Shay turned and trudged back toward the pasture in front of the barn while sticking close to the tree line so that she wouldn’t be easily spotted. She knew the heavy snowfall would help hide her as long as she didn’t venture too close to the open, horse trod pasture.

Shay trod carefully through the unbroken snow, staying just inside the first line of trees. The trees sheltered her from the worst of the wind, but Shay found it difficult to walk in the almost knee deep snow which was beginning to leak into her boots. It took Shay almost ten minutes to get around the pasture and back onto the path that would take her to the railway tracks and back to the Halliwell’s where she could call the police. Her feet were cold and wet, and Shay’s legs were starting to hurt from the chill of the wet snow that soaked her jeans.

Shay turned on the flashlight but she fought the urge to run as she knew the exertion would make her inhale too much freezing air and that would wear her out too fast. Although it was hard to see in the blowing snow, she kept up a steady pace and was almost to the end of the path near the rail road tracks when Shay saw a flashlight waving in the dark and fragments of friendly and familiar voices carried through the air.

“Grace?” she called out in disbelief, trying to peer through the wind-driven snow that was falling all around her.

“Hi Shay!” Grace replied cheerfully as she and Larissa rounded the twisting turn in the path and came into full view.

“What are you doing here?” Shay asked incredulously, raising her voice to be heard above the wind.

“Larissa called and said you went to the barn by yourself to check on what was going on with Ginger. For goodness sake, you didn’t think we’d let you do that alone, did you?” Grace shouted back happily, shifting her body from one foot to the other to keep the cold from settling in.

“Come on, we have to get help and call the police,” Shay said urgently. She pushed Grace’s shoulder and pulled at Larissa’s arm to get them to start walking back the way they came, along the tracks. “We can’t stand here and talk, there isn’t time!”

“What’s the matter?” Larissa asked, raising her voice to be heard above the wind. “Did something happen?”

“Ginger wasn’t alone at the barn, she was with Tom Jacobs and that Gillies woman. They caught me spying on them and they were planning to kill me. They were going to take me out onto the lake and throw me in, with a rock tied to my leg to keep my down!” Shay’s voice shook from the fear and the cold.

“WHAT?” both girls replied at the same time.

“You can’t be serious!” Grace said as she hurried along to keep up with Shay.

“It was Tom Jacobs who hit Mr. Fletcher, and Barbara Gillies and Ginger and Sharon were in on the whole thing. They’re in the barn now and they caught me hiding in the equipment. They were going to kill me,” Shay repeated, “they really were. I’m finished playing detective. Those people are serious and crazy.”

The girls walked as quickly as they could and Grace pulled out her cell phone and took off her thick gloves and then punched in the button for ’Home’. Nothing happened. “My phone won’t work here,” she called to Shay. “It hardly ever works this close to the lake, and this weather doesn’t help.”

“Do you really think they’ll come after us?” Larissa asked as she puffed behind Grace, trying to keep up

“They don’t know about us,” Grace said. “But they’ll come after Shay for sure.”

“That’s right! They don’t know about you two. Grace, you take Larissa to your house and I’ll go a different way.  I don’t want you to get killed either,” Shay said.

“You really think that I’m going to leave you?” Larissa said through teeth that chattered from the cold. “’Cause I’m not leaving you to get killed all by yourself!”

Grace giggled, as much from the near hysteria and fear as from Larissa’s remark.  “No such luck, girlfriend, we got into this together, we get out of this together” Grace said bravely through her wind bitten lips. “Anyway, we have to get out of the weather too, so it’s smarter if we all try to get to the closest place together.”

Shay started to argue, but even in the dark and cold she could see the determination on the faces of her friends. And Grace was right, they all needed to get out of the cold and that meant going to the closest house. Splitting up would only get one of them frozen, and it wouldn’t save the others.

“Thanks, you guys,” she said. “I don’t know how soon they’ll notice I’m gone. Jacobs will think that I can’t get out of the trunk so he won’t be in a rush to check on me, but they won’t stay in the barn arguing forever. We have to hurry. It’s faster if we go to the Nedsmith’s than if we go home or to your place”.

“No, there’s no point in going there,” Grace said. “My mom mentioned to me that the Nedsmith’s went to Mexico last week for the rest of the winter. Their house and the greenhouses will be locked up and their phones are probably shut off.”

“Well, at least we’d be safe there. We could hide in the greenhouse or the barn or somewhere,” Larissa said.

“Nope, that won’t work,” level-headed Grace replied. The road in won’t have been ploughed in a week, so we might not be able to get through the snow to the house and we can’t risk all that time and energy just to find out it’s blocked. The Halliwell’s house is way closer than mine so we should go there and call my parents and the police.”

The girls reached the end of the railroad tracks and they were able to walk faster on the main road that would lead them to the foster home. Still, the wind tore at them and the road was slick with ice under the new covering of snow. Shay’s feet were suffering from the cold. Painful bolts of lightening streaked through her feet and up her legs, and she found each step forward harder than the last,

Grace was wearing ski pants, thick and warm, that kept her from getting chilled. Even Larissa was wearing heavy snow pants, sent by her grandmother for Christmas. Only Shay, dependant on a clothing allowance paid by the government, was under-clothed for the weather.

The girls were silent as they trudged along, hunched over to protect their faces from the wind-blown snow that threatened to envelop them in a blanket of freezing cold. Shay hoped they would be able to flag down a passing driver and car, but none passed by. No one would be on the road in this worsening weather unless it was an emergency, or unless it was Tom Jacobs out looking for them. Shay looked at the snow covered ditch on the side of the road and knew that there would be no place to hide and no place to run to if he drove up while they were still walking.

Finally, the girls reached the end of the long driveway that led to the Halliwell’s house. They trudged through the snow and made their way up the road and quickly entered the dark house. Shay hit the light switch, but nothing happened.

“Oh no!” Shay exclaimed. “The storm has killed the power. There’s probably a tree down on a power line, or else the lines have frozen and snapped,” she said. “We’ll have to find some more flashlights and get the fire going.”

The girls took off their coats and boots and entered the kitchen. Shay was cold and wet, and she sat at the kitchen table and stripped off her socks, tights, and jeans. The house was still warm enough from the heat that was left in the wood stove even though the power outage had shut off the furnace, but Shay couldn’t stop shivering.

“Give me the flashlight and I’ll get us some dry clothes and towels,” said Larissa. As the light flicked across the younger girl’s face, Shay could see that she had been crying. Shay wanted to get up and hug her, but she was too cold to move just yet.

Larissa left the room, stomping her way up the stairs to the girls’ bedroom.

“It’s probably better if we don’t use any more flashlights, that way we don’t advertise that we’re here,” Grace said through chattering teeth.

“They’ll come here sooner or later whether the lights are on or not,” Shay responded. It was hard for her to speak through her snow chapped lips. “They know I have no where else to go.”

“What about Ginger?” Grace asked.  ”If she was arguing with them, do you think they’ll hurt her?”

“Yes, I do,” Shay nodded. “She’s in real danger. Tom Jacobs and that lady are both really crazy, and they’re desperate. They don’t seem to think more than a minute ahead. All they think about is shutting someone up, but they don’t think about getting arrested for murder. Just like they didn’t think about getting in trouble for the pictures or for attacking Mr. Fletcher.”

“Oh, Shay,” Grace said. “We’re in such a mess. We were so stupid to not to tell our parents and call the police as soon as we found those photographs,” Grace said shakily. “I’m going to call my parents and the police right now.” Grace went to the telephone and picked it up, listening for a dial tone.  She slowly put the phone down. “It’s dead. The phone lines must be down too,” she said, turning to Shay, fear written in her face. “How are we going to call for help?”

“Try your cell again” Shay said, trying to quell the panic that was filling her. Grace nodded and went back to her jacket hanging in the entry hall and pulled it out of the pocket. She flipped the phone open but the service bars were non-existent.

“Now what do we do?” Grace whispered into the dark, cold kitchen.