Comments for The Adoption Counselor http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog Dr. Brenda McCreight, RSW, RCC Sat, 28 Jan 2012 14:49:53 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Comment on Pondering things… by Lisa http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/pondering-things/comment-page-1/#comment-10161 Lisa Sat, 28 Jan 2012 14:49:53 +0000 http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/?p=1108#comment-10161 Haha - loved the sign. Isn't that what all of the childless people of the world think? "If that were MY kid, I would straighten them out right quick!" Ah....to be so naive and full of ourselves, well, it'd be dangerous to think that with kids like ours. My dd18 was absolutely convinced that all of her struggles with honesty were completely our fault because we didn't trust her (with very good reason, but why should we be allowed to throw "facts" into the mix?). Her therapist asked her how she was going to follow the rules of the world when she couldn't follow a single rule in her small (well 12 people isn't small, but way smaller than society) home. She thought we were so stupid to think like that, but we kept reminding her that the one thing she would take everywhere she went was HERSELF (her beliefs, her attitudes, her lack of self control). I'm sure she's blaming someone else for her problems now (or maybe still me - sigh), but I hope that she eventually realizes that the common denominator in all of her problems is HER and that she had a slew of people lined up to help her if only she'd seen the problem. Haha – loved the sign. Isn’t that what all of the childless people of the world think? “If that were MY kid, I would straighten them out right quick!” Ah….to be so naive and full of ourselves, well, it’d be dangerous to think that with kids like ours.

My dd18 was absolutely convinced that all of her struggles with honesty were completely our fault because we didn’t trust her (with very good reason, but why should we be allowed to throw “facts” into the mix?). Her therapist asked her how she was going to follow the rules of the world when she couldn’t follow a single rule in her small (well 12 people isn’t small, but way smaller than society) home. She thought we were so stupid to think like that, but we kept reminding her that the one thing she would take everywhere she went was HERSELF (her beliefs, her attitudes, her lack of self control). I’m sure she’s blaming someone else for her problems now (or maybe still me – sigh), but I hope that she eventually realizes that the common denominator in all of her problems is HER and that she had a slew of people lined up to help her if only she’d seen the problem.

]]> Comment on Changing my perspective… by Lisa http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/changing-my-perspective/comment-page-1/#comment-10114 Lisa Thu, 12 Jan 2012 15:14:51 +0000 http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/?p=1064#comment-10114 I remember sitting in a mandatory parenting session at my son's "Community Prison" (rehab) and hearing the psychologist tell how tough he had it--his 13 year old daughter (with straight A) had defied them and put on eyeshadow or something. It's hard to sympathize. He was stunned when I asked how that compared to what we were facing........I got applause. I say this not to brag (well, ok a little--he was very very smug) but that sometimes our world DOES seem far, far worse than other parents. Yet I know there are folks into drugs or violence who can't even sort themselves out let alone care for their kids. There are folks with no job, no skills facing homelessness,etc. I saw on Cindy's blog you have a new e-book coming out on parenting kids like these. I can't wait! Please keep writing--it helps! I remember sitting in a mandatory parenting session at my son’s “Community Prison” (rehab) and hearing the psychologist tell how tough he had it–his 13 year old daughter (with straight A) had defied them and put on eyeshadow or something. It’s hard to sympathize. He was stunned when I asked how that compared to what we were facing……..I got applause. I say this not to brag (well, ok a little–he was very very smug) but that sometimes our world DOES seem far, far worse than other parents. Yet I know there are folks into drugs or violence who can’t even sort themselves out let alone care for their kids. There are folks with no job, no skills facing homelessness,etc.

I saw on Cindy’s blog you have a new e-book coming out on parenting kids like these. I can’t wait! Please keep writing–it helps!

]]> Comment on The blame game… by Lisa http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/the-blame-game/comment-page-1/#comment-10091 Lisa Wed, 04 Jan 2012 22:33:09 +0000 http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/?p=1082#comment-10091 I remember grieving after my mom passed away 11 yrs ago. I kept thinking that I was grieving for the relationship we didn't have, not the one that actually existed. I was a low maintenance kid and my siblings (4) weren't - so who always got left out? Of course. I didn't make demands and they did so they got what they needed and I built up resentment. So, I'm thinking something along the lines of, "I miss the Mom I always wanted, but didn't have" and it just struck me smack in the head, "Maybe you weren't the daughter your Mom needed you to be either" - what an epiphany!! I realized right then that we all need different things and if we aren't vocal about what that is, we will probably be disappointed often because some people just can't figure us out on their own. I know I've done that with some of my kids. I have made mistakes, I know I've made some big ones. I will gladly take responsibility for them and ask forgiveness as well. What I cannot handle, is when the blame game just keeps going on and on and on. My 18 yo dd blamed me for everything she did wrong while she lived here. Now that she's gone, she blames her husband :) - and probably me still (but I don't have to hear about it as much). Bottom line? Some people will never accept responsibility for their part in anything - some can't even see how much power they have over their own outcomes. I remember grieving after my mom passed away 11 yrs ago. I kept thinking that I was grieving for the relationship we didn’t have, not the one that actually existed. I was a low maintenance kid and my siblings (4) weren’t – so who always got left out? Of course. I didn’t make demands and they did so they got what they needed and I built up resentment. So, I’m thinking something along the lines of, “I miss the Mom I always wanted, but didn’t have” and it just struck me smack in the head, “Maybe you weren’t the daughter your Mom needed you to be either” – what an epiphany!! I realized right then that we all need different things and if we aren’t vocal about what that is, we will probably be disappointed often because some people just can’t figure us out on their own. I know I’ve done that with some of my kids. I have made mistakes, I know I’ve made some big ones. I will gladly take responsibility for them and ask forgiveness as well. What I cannot handle, is when the blame game just keeps going on and on and on. My 18 yo dd blamed me for everything she did wrong while she lived here. Now that she’s gone, she blames her husband :) – and probably me still (but I don’t have to hear about it as much). Bottom line? Some people will never accept responsibility for their part in anything – some can’t even see how much power they have over their own outcomes.

]]> Comment on Changing my perspective… by Lisa http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/changing-my-perspective/comment-page-1/#comment-10069 Lisa Sat, 31 Dec 2011 17:31:24 +0000 http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/?p=1064#comment-10069 Yeah, I know other neurotypical folks have problems, but oh.my.goodness. I sat thru a hour long explanation of a problem a very dear friend had a few months ago when we (finally) went out to breakfast together. I was so thrilled to be able to meet with her after almost two years of being held captive by 2 very violent, mentally ill teenagers and I kept telling myself to "just listen, don't interrupt, don't compare, don't minimize, don't judge" her problem. It was one of those situations where it REALLY DIDN'T MATTER, and yet it was the biggest problem she'd ever faced, she was losing sleep over it and she needed to vent. I think my perspective is so skewed from the trauma I've experienced that I just want to laugh at these piddly things. My gosh, if that were my biggest problem, life would be wonderful!! I think I need to retrain my brain and reign in my too close to the surface emotions. Yeah, I know other neurotypical folks have problems, but oh.my.goodness. I sat thru a hour long explanation of a problem a very dear friend had a few months ago when we (finally) went out to breakfast together. I was so thrilled to be able to meet with her after almost two years of being held captive by 2 very violent, mentally ill teenagers and I kept telling myself to “just listen, don’t interrupt, don’t compare, don’t minimize, don’t judge” her problem. It was one of those situations where it REALLY DIDN’T MATTER, and yet it was the biggest problem she’d ever faced, she was losing sleep over it and she needed to vent. I think my perspective is so skewed from the trauma I’ve experienced that I just want to laugh at these piddly things. My gosh, if that were my biggest problem, life would be wonderful!! I think I need to retrain my brain and reign in my too close to the surface emotions.

]]> Comment on The only tears were mine… by Bonnie Hoeft http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/the-only-tears-were-mine/comment-page-1/#comment-10052 Bonnie Hoeft Tue, 27 Dec 2011 02:52:01 +0000 http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/?p=1072#comment-10052 This also was our best xmas ever. I never would have thought it possible but they all stepped up to the plate and left the drama for another time. It renews our faith in why we became parents. This also was our best xmas ever. I never would have thought it possible but they all stepped up to the plate and left the drama for another time. It renews our faith in why we became parents.

]]> Comment on Changing my perspective… by Fifi http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/changing-my-perspective/comment-page-1/#comment-10017 Fifi Tue, 20 Dec 2011 03:48:34 +0000 http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/?p=1064#comment-10017 Hi Brenda, I've been reading your book on managing children with FASE, and it's so easy to read, easy to understand, thorough and actually helpful! Just brilliant. I'm going to get my foster care agency to stock up their library with it, as it is essential reading for ALL foster and adoptive carers. I think looking at these issues as traumatic brain injury, and carers/parents taking on a rehabilitation role, a skills based role, not just nurturing, and teaching kids themselves to understand their brains and responses and how they are different is a direction I very much respect. Hi Brenda, I’ve been reading your book on managing children with FASE, and it’s so easy to read, easy to understand, thorough and actually helpful! Just brilliant. I’m going to get my foster care agency to stock up their library with it, as it is essential reading for ALL foster and adoptive carers.

I think looking at these issues as traumatic brain injury, and carers/parents taking on a rehabilitation role, a skills based role, not just nurturing, and teaching kids themselves to understand their brains and responses and how they are different is a direction I very much respect.

]]> Comment on My newest ebook… by Marci http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/my-newest-ebook/comment-page-1/#comment-9854 Marci Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:11:51 +0000 http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/?p=1014#comment-9854 Thank you for the free book and the intro to the Smashwords website! Thank you for the free book and the intro to the Smashwords website!

]]> Comment on Early psychosis detection… by Tee @ Fostering Thrifty Families http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/early-psychosis-detection/comment-page-1/#comment-9674 Tee @ Fostering Thrifty Families Mon, 21 Nov 2011 06:07:39 +0000 http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/?p=1023#comment-9674 Both promising and a little terrifying (says the foster mom whose somewhat psychotic middle schooler just came back home after a long hospital stay). Would I have said "yes" to this placement if I knew he was psychotic? Maybe not. And what a tragedy that would have been. I am glad testing will be on its way, but also not sure what that will mean in real life. It would definitely be helpful to know if a child's psychosis will develop into bipolar or schizophrenia and what kind of meds to use most effectively, though. Both promising and a little terrifying (says the foster mom whose somewhat psychotic middle schooler just came back home after a long hospital stay). Would I have said “yes” to this placement if I knew he was psychotic? Maybe not. And what a tragedy that would have been. I am glad testing will be on its way, but also not sure what that will mean in real life. It would definitely be helpful to know if a child’s psychosis will develop into bipolar or schizophrenia and what kind of meds to use most effectively, though.

]]> Comment on Early psychosis detection… by Sharla http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/early-psychosis-detection/comment-page-1/#comment-9577 Sharla Wed, 09 Nov 2011 21:47:02 +0000 http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/?p=1023#comment-9577 For some reason, the post above about your son isn't allowing me to comment, so I hope it's okay that I post my comment to that here. I am so glad that I came over and read today about the situation with your son. It makes me really angry that there is so little help available to teens/young men/men dealing with addictions or similar issues. It sounds like he was finally willing to get help and then because of a common problem in these scenarios (poverty), was basically turned away. I think that would make anyone go even further downhill. When we had issues with our teen son starting a few years ago, we were shocked by the lack of resources available to us. It seemed that everywhere we turned, no one could help us. As the parent of 7, including 2 children with ARND (FASD), I am afraid about what their futures will hold. I wish that there were better services available and better support for parents. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You must be so worried about your son and your grandbabies and it must be especially hard to live so far away. I can only imagine that his heart condition adds to your worry. I hope that you hear from him soon. Unfortunately, I have no advice to offer you or way that I can help in a practical manner, but I will help in the best way I know how: pray. I will pray for the social worker to be able to see the truth about the mother of your grandkids, for God's protection and hand on your son, for the right people to cross his path, for help to come his way, and for soothing and comfort to come to your heart while you wait for this to play out. I really am so sorry that you are going through this. For some reason, the post above about your son isn’t allowing me to comment, so I hope it’s okay that I post my comment to that here. I am so glad that I came over and read today about the situation with your son. It makes me really angry that there is so little help available to teens/young men/men dealing with addictions or similar issues. It sounds like he was finally willing to get help and then because of a common problem in these scenarios (poverty), was basically turned away. I think that would make anyone go even further downhill.

When we had issues with our teen son starting a few years ago, we were shocked by the lack of resources available to us. It seemed that everywhere we turned, no one could help us.

As the parent of 7, including 2 children with ARND (FASD), I am afraid about what their futures will hold. I wish that there were better services available and better support for parents.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You must be so worried about your son and your grandbabies and it must be especially hard to live so far away. I can only imagine that his heart condition adds to your worry. I hope that you hear from him soon.

Unfortunately, I have no advice to offer you or way that I can help in a practical manner, but I will help in the best way I know how: pray. I will pray for the social worker to be able to see the truth about the mother of your grandkids, for God’s protection and hand on your son, for the right people to cross his path, for help to come his way, and for soothing and comfort to come to your heart while you wait for this to play out. I really am so sorry that you are going through this.

]]> Comment on DNA and child protection… by Tee @ Fostering Thrifty Families http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/dna-and-child-protection/comment-page-1/#comment-9520 Tee @ Fostering Thrifty Families Fri, 28 Oct 2011 20:02:17 +0000 http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog/?p=1004#comment-9520 I am really fascianted by epigenetics as they relate to fostering and adoption. I'm not sure how I feel about CPS removing kids who haven't experienced significant harm, but I totally hear what you are saying. I need to do some thinking on this. I am really fascianted by epigenetics as they relate to fostering and adoption. I’m not sure how I feel about CPS removing kids who haven’t experienced significant harm, but I totally hear what you are saying. I need to do some thinking on this.

]]>