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I have a really bad cold so I’m feeling very sorry for myself. However, both my office and my home are in lovely locations with beautiful flowers and shrubs coming into bloom so any window I look out of brings a view that cheers me up. My teens never notice if I’m sick unless it’s in some way an inconvenience for them and then they just get annoyed, but the Littles get worried and try to take care of me. These 5, despite their many challenges, are a totally attached group, and they also have a core of kindness that really helps me to get through the tougher days with them. I’m glad my youngest ones are going to be so much easier than my older kids because I really deserve the break!!
It’s been a much easier atmosphere at home since #6 moved out again. I hadn’t really realized what a damper he put on the emotional space in the home until he left this time. He is generally very polite and nice around me -basically we just avoided each other, but he intimidated and tried to control the other 3 teens which made them moody and grumpy. I know it was harder for him this time because they don’t have any respect for him now that they are older and that only made him meaner. It’s sad to watch this dynamic – but he’s a young adult now – forging his own path in life and so I can stand back and pray for him, but I can’t do anything more.
With spring entering the picture, Little #12 and I are planning our new rose garden as well our vegetables. She loves gardening so much and I can really see it helps her to stay grounded (no pun intended) and in reality, which is a tad hard for her at times. I have to find something to connect with #13 on as she grows increasingly weird (okay, so that’s not a pc term, but remember I have a cold and I can’t think straight right now). I want to be proactive in her mental health issues and not always running behind trying to pick up the pieces like I was with #7. #13 is a great hockey player, a born athlete who excels at every sport, and oh my goodness, that just isn’t a place I can connect with. I can watch her and cheer and be proud, but that’s all. So, I’ll continue to search around for a connecting place with her. I know it’s there, I just have to find it.
We had a great weekend in Victoria. The Mood Swing Queen had her first taste of adult responsibility with the Synod which she handled extremely well, and also her first experience of how petty, weird, and strange “functional” adults can be. Oh right, she has had that with me, but she thought that was all unique to me. I had lots of fun with the three Littles as we went from tourist site to restaurants to movies to swimming and walks. I love Victoria, lived there for 20 years, and at times, would love to move back – but then I get home and it’s easy to remember why I love where I live too.
Of course, coming home brings a huge reality check – Little #13 had been in a *mood* while I was gone. She had threatened to kill people, and calmly talked about wishing them dead. I guess it’s time to take my head out of the sand on this one and get to some serious help for her. Her anger is getting worse, but it’s the lack of rage that scares me – I can manage a full screaming out of control rant – and while she’s angry, she’s also controlled and very serious about wanting people dead. It’s also not just at home – always a bad sign when behaviors are displayed at school or socially – she lost her best friend because the little girl found her becoming too bossy and mean. So, on we go.
On the happy side – #6 has a full time permanent job and moved himself and all of his stuff out. That was a big relief to all of us – we love him, but it will be nice to not be dealing with his “revenges” and his stealing. I look forward to him joining us for Easter dinner, and then going back to his own home. Now, if I can just get #7 working and independent, I’ll only have 7 to go – feels like an empty nest!
This weekend I’m off to Victoria with the Mood Swing Queen and 3 of the Littles, including the one I was so awful to the other day. The MSQ is going to be at church meetings from 8 a.m. till 9 pm each day, and the Littles and I will explore Victoria, where I lived for 30 years, and have a good time. It’s a bit dicey for me to go away this weekend as my mom is having daily crises over her potential move to a higher level of care -but these crises aren’t resolvable and I have other family members who will step into help her. I’m there for her most of the time, but I want this weekend for me and my Littles.
I’m still deciding whether to call the Littles bgrandparents (who live in Victoria and who are raising their older brother) while I’m there. We have these folks up to our house for all major and minor occasions as well as hockey tournaments etc and we let the two oldest Littles stay with them for a week during the summer at their summer camp. I like them and so it’s not like we don’t want to see them – it’s just that I don’t want to see them this weekend. In my extended family that kind of thing is acceptable – but it isn’t in theirs.
Now, am I being selfish? Am I being protective? Am I being lazy? If I could just arrange a lunch with them, I would be thrilled, but they will want more in many different ways and I’m not up for that. I want this time with my girls. I have a lot to make up for – there is the one I said that awful thing to, and the others witnessed it – so I need to cling like crazy. We also have a tradition of *road trips* that we use to re-bind to each other and I feel like inviting others in, and then being pressured to meet their needs, is not going to facilitate what I wanted out of this.
The whole issue of having a relationship with bfamily is always complicated. As I said, I like these people. We’ve had to work through a lot of issues over the years, and there will be more to come, but so far it’s worked out fine for all of us, and most importantly, it’s worked out for the children. Last night, my 10 year old son asked me “Did I come from someone?” and so I said yes, and he said “Who?” so I told him his bparents names. That isn’t a secret, it’s just information that he didn’t take in before. He was happy enough with that answer, and he doesn’t seem to associate the info with his relationship with his bbrother and bgrandparents. I guess if it isn’t about hockey, it isn’t on his radar screen.
Well, writing all of that helped me to decide, I’m not going to call them, unless I change my mind! Have a good weekend – I expect to.
Yesterday I was the worst parent imaginable and I am so ashamed of myself. I yelled at my 11 year old daughter and said “What were you thinking? How dumb can you get?” I know, I know, I know – that’s such an abusive thing to say to my child. A part of me was watching this in horror and screaming at my mouth to shut – but it didn’t. Did I expect her to say “Gee mom, I’m sure sorry that my fasd, adhd, ocd, and multiple learning challenges are inconveniencing you. I’ll just stop having them right now.”
After I pulled myself back into human form, and apologized with all my heart, I took a look around my life to see what influenced me to get to that horrible state so that I could make sure I don’t go there ever again in my life. There’s nothing in particular going on with my kids. I am worried about #7 who has depression, but that’s not new and he’s okay (at the moment, anyway). The rest are bopping along with lumps and bumps and some fun. Nothing at home. So, farther afield – and yes, there it was. My mom’s dementia is worsening rapidly and I have to move her into another facility that provides more intense care. I’m losing more of her every day…..and that was it …..that evil old standby….loss. I’m grieving but didn’t even realize it.
As I thought about this, I realized that my kids live with this every moment of their lives. They all suffered such intense losses so early in their lives and, as we all know, that kind of loss doesn’t resolve easily, if ever. Most of my children currently living at home don’t recall ever living anywhere else, so their experience of loss is buried deep in their first formed neurons. They experience it and they suffer from it and they act it out, but they can’t identify it or articulate the process. We help them ourselves, and we get them help, but loss is always the biggie in the adoption field as well as in life in general.
Einstein referred to “the optical illusion of our separateness” – meaning that we are all connected even though we don’t realize it. And, that is the essential element of being human, the need to belong. And for all of our children, that experience was brutally severed and left them emotionally abandoned – and physically as well for so many. Anyway, even though I now have this huge blot on my soul from my inexcusible behavior, it helped me to re-connect with this significant part of my own children and to bring it to my conscious mind as I sometimes question their behaviors – although God forbid I ever do so out loud again.
Oh my, how easy life is with two children – I once had only two but I’ve forgotten what that life was like! The two I had at home this weekend, my 7 and 8 year olds, are fun, creative, and full of initiative so they were more interested in the many games they invented than in me – no parent entertainment needed – which meant I could paint the kitchen and a hallway, get the house cleaned, get a dent in the laundry pile and so on. We went out a lot too but I was astounded at how fast they can get ready. All I ever had to say was “Let’s go” and I was running to catch up with them as they headed out the door. What I’m used to is saying “We’re leaving in fifteen minutes, stop what you are doing and go and get your shoes” then, “Go and get you jackets” and then “Put on your shoes” and “Put on your jackets” and of course, that would only occur after we found the shoes and jackets which would not have been where they were supposed to be. Nope, these two know where there clothes are, they know how to transition from one activity to another – it’s all so easy for them.
While we were doing our thing at home – my Little #11 age 10, was at his hockey tournament where he scored 11 goals in 5 games – more exciting than the Olympic hockey game in my opinion. Of course, he fell apart after the event and had to stay home from school today as his transition skills are almost non-existent. He’ll spend the day crying and sleeping and getting cuddled and then he’ll be ready to face the world again tomorrow. No one from his hockey world would suspect this behavior – he is so confident and skilled on the ice – I’m so thankful that he has a place to succeed and be a star – that goes a long way in helping him manage his challenges.
On a sad and tragic note, I read that Marie Osmond’s son committed suicide. She isn’t really on my radar since she’s never in People Magazine, but I have always respected her for adopting a number of childen and not using them to get media attention like so many other celebrities have done. My heart goes out to her and I am so aware that this could happen in any of our families.
I’m about to have a very odd weekend – only two Littles at home. #11 (age 10) is off to a hockey tournament all weekend in another town. It’s in a teeny tiny little community that has little to offer outside of the hockey games so I hope he can cope. #’s 10 and 12 are off on a train to Victoria for the weekend with their Guide group. Lots of adventures and fun although their anxiety is already high about going away wihout family. These two can cope, and won’t act out (at least now worse than unusual) when they get home, but they will be clingy. The Mood Swing Queen is spending the weekend with a friend. That leaves YA #7, who is currently depressed and sleeping all the time, and Party Boy, who will be doing whatever he does. In case you’re wandering, I do see, talk with, and cook for these two guys, but they don’t need /want much else from me right now. #6, is not showing his face much as we head toward his move out deadline of the middle of March. He’s done another *revenge* on the MSQ because she mentioned he stole her ear phones so he then stole her very much loved locket -leaving her heart broken and in tears. Really, I have suggested, strongly, that he get some counselling for this stuff because he’s way too old to be so mean and so petty. The 15th really can’t come soon enough for me.
I’ve been thinking about what on earth I will do with only two Littles. I expect to force some time to finish painting my kitchen, and maybe get caught up with the never ending laundry situation. I guess we’ll also go swimming and go to a movie and out for dinner -but we would do that stuff if they were all here so nothing new or diffrerent. I really don’t know what to do with so few children in the house. The quiet will be extraordinary. Also, the small amount of food that will have to be cooked – I don’t even know how to make spaghetti for less than a dozen!
Oh well, a new learning experience for me.
I received a notice about upcoming conferences and was happily reading away when I noticed that one of them had a caution that certain words are not to be used at the conference out of sensitivity to the people there who gave birth to the children who became adoptees (I’m really trying to PC here). These currently objectionable terms included “birth mother” and “biological parent”. The note said that these words were offensive to the adoptees and the women who gave birth to them, and were to be replaced with “first parent” and “natural family”. Well, I just about had a full on temper right then and there.
I’m totally supportive of not using words or phrases that hurt others. But, what about others not using words or phrases that hurt me? I mean really, I thought “natural family” went out 20 years ago. We all know what the opposite of “natural family” is – right, it’s *unnatural familiy* ie the adoptive family. And, let’s face it, those people who might be considered “natural family” were, for many of the children we adopt, the same people who beat them, starved them, raped them, and permanently harmed their brains with pre-natal exposure to alcohol. I don’t lump these people in with the women who chose, either because of emotional coercion or economics or youth, to place their babies for adoption, but there is clearly an expectation that the terms that are being bandied about are to be used for all genetic parents regardless of how their offspring came to be available for adoption.
I also react to the word “first mother” in reference to the one who gave birth. Does that mean I’m to be referred to as “15th mother” because I was the 15th to one of the my children, the 14th to another, the 11th to another, and I was, at the very least, the 3rd mother to others. Well, I don’t like that. Isn’t there any thought to adoptive parents and how we might want to be labelled?
Truly, in my heart and my soul, I am the mother of my children – however they came to me – and my family is not the opposite of “natural”. I don’t normally care how others see that, or what they want to call me, but this time, it irked me to the extreme. I’ll do my best not to use words that hurt others or that negates or denies their relationships, but darn it, I want the same in return. I also genuinely care about the unending pain that so many women who gave birth and placed their children for adoption went through, and continue to live with. But, I also care about the pain our familiy lives through as we have dealt with the violence and emotional chaos that was the result of our children’s experiences with their “natural family” and it wouldn’t hurt others to have some sensitivity to our experience.
So, hurl your anger at me, I can take it. I have some of my own.
So, I go downstairs to the “teen area” – not that I am able to confine them to that area of the house – it’s just where three of them have bedrooms and where they tend to watch tv. There’s also a play area there for the Littles who have their toy kitchens and beauty salons set up. Well, I don’t have much of a sense of smell because I had a month long hay fever attack when I was in Afghanistan 30 odd years ago and at the end of it, I had lost my sense of smell and never really recovered it. So, you can imagine my shock when the one smell that got through my nostrils to register in my brain was – you guessed it – marijuana.
Now, let me be clear – I am not one of those moms who looks askance at this. I have an absolute no tolerance policy for drug use in my house and on my property. And you can guess who has been smoking it – of course, it’s good old #6. His teen sibs haven’t “tattled” because he has a habit of revenge that makes their lives so miserable that nothing is worth it to them.
Okay, fair enough, I let the fox back into the henhouse – so I take responsibility for this. But, it’s going to end very soon. He said last week that he would have his own place by the middle or end of March, and I guess it’s now going to be the middle.
I don’t want to accept my urge to just pack his bags and leave them at the end of our road because I have some real sadness attached to this. I feel sad because this is a betrayal on his part – one of a thousand, but at this stage I thought he would at least abide by something that serious in our home. And, sadness because I have to be very clear that this means he won’t ever get to move home again. I’ve never closed that door to anyone before. He can come home for dinner or to do laundry etc but never again to live. And, sadness because his teen sibs really hate him. It’s not the usual sib stuff, this is real disgust and dislike. I wish we could have helped him have more in his life-we tried, but we didn’t succeed.
I know this isn’t the end of our journey with him – there are years and decades ahead – and anyone can change – but right now, for me, it’s all about the sads.
So, clearly my #7 and Party Boy (#8) are never going to tread the main path. They can’t manage school so they won’t get the education they need to enter the trades in a standard way. But, they are hard working and they have hopes and dreams for their lives and that’s a good combo. I’ve been trying to figure out what I can get them involved in that will actually get them moving toward the lives they want and I think I’ve found it – or at least a beginning.
It all started with the guy who built my chicken coop and chicken moat. He lives a very alternative life – he has a sutstainable lifestyle and builds coops and cob structures and teaches people how to do those things as well as how to have their own urban gardens. He’s making a good living in a very non-traditional lifestyle, although he has some traditional skills. I figured if he can do that, so can my boys. So, I started searching the ‘net and found some potential learning and living places for them. I’m exploring these and we’ll see if they actually lead to anything.
I can’t say my sons were jumping with joy at my suggestions and plans, but they didn’t run out of the room screaming either and that is always a good sign. #7 has always wanted to be a stonemason and has some basic training in that so I’m finding places he can continue to learn that skill as well as how to build energy efficient small houses. If it works for him, I’ll have Party Boy follow along after. They can start their own businesses this way and hopefully build lives for themselves.
I don’t actually know if this plan of mine will work – but at least I have a plan. I know they should develop their own plans and resources, but honey, it isn’t going to happen that way. If I don’t start them in life, they won’t start. That’s just the way it is.
#6 has plans to move out next month – one of his two part time jobs has offered him full time but he’s hesitant to take it because they are short staffed at his other part time job (although not offering him more hours) and he feels he can’t leave them in this short staffed condition. I mean really – he’s never, ever had any sense of *other* or of compassion or even awareness that other people have needs – so why now, when he has a potential full time job – does he suddenly develop all of this?
I must say – it’s really hard to get my boys launched. It was the same with Jason – it wasn’t until he was in a comitted relationship that he finally got independent of me. I said in another post that perhaps I cripple my sons emotionally and that’s why they can’t figure out how to leave home – well – of my next 6 children, I only have one boy so I’ll be watching myself to make sure I don’t clip his wings too because all this work trying to get them emancipated is really tiring.
So here’s a weird question that I have been getting a lot lately. It goes “Why are you adopting again now that your family is finally stable and relatively easier?” I don’t understand that. The question seems to assume that another teen will de-stabilize the family in a negative way. Maybe she will, but why assume that before we even finish the home study? If this turns out to be a bad decision, well, there will be lots of time to regret this decision later – I’m sure not going to go there ahead of time.
I also don’t understand why people think that a stable time is a time to quit. I have said for years that I was done adopting – I felt our family had all the people in it that I could manage – and it did. But, we’ve done better than I had anticipated – mental health issues have resolved, extreme acting out has ceased, the older kids are trying to get their adult lives going, and the younger kids are happy and active. Seems to me like this is the perfect time.
My young adults took so much out of me while they were growing up and I had so little faith or hope for their futures, but they are doing okay, and I now feel I have something to offer again and more to receive. And, I can still blog about why I prefer my chickens over my children, but I’m hopeful and excited and inspired by them (the young adults, not the chickens). I can still blog about all the things they do that annoy me – but there is nothing that I’m afraid of now. Our home is safe and fun again in a way it hasn’t been in many years. My energy is restored, my faith in our family is restored, and my hope for their futures is greater than it’s ever been. Like I said, this is the perfect time to consider another teen.
I also believe that if you can adopt, you should adopt. We all have our limits and those need to be respected. Some people need to stop at one child, others at 30. I paused at 14 and I’m ready to go again. This may not even happen. We may not get approved for some reason or other. If we are approved, there might not be any teen who chooses us. Or, some big catastrophe may happen to alter our current plans. Who knows? I only know that right now we feel we can exand our love again, and we’re taking the steps to do so.
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